Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship

In a world that chooses to either vomit all details of their lives on social media or provide the “perfect image” so that the world can envy, I hope to be one of the less-loud, less-perfect and more vulnerable voices.  I feel the world in general is consumed with public persona (yes I battle with it, too) versus sharing authentically.

In general, we present a face that we are comfortable with others seeing.  And while it’s true that everyone doesn’t need to know everything about our lives, thoughts and feelings,  there are times when sharing vulnerably and authentically can do greater good than keeping it to ourselves.  That’s why I’m sharing my journey.   I know that people who know me (or think they know me) will likely comment, telling me what I “need to do” or “the right way” to look at this, and it will come from a well intentioned place, but, I am not seeking advice.  I’m seeking to share by being open about this topic.

I am tired of being single.

There, I said it.  Now, don’t get all overly righteous or judgy on me.  And don’t assume that I’ve hated my singleness.  On the contrary, singleness is actually very freeing.  I have no person to answer to for anything.  No one to consider when I make plans.  I just get up and go!  I can hang out with whomever I want, whenever I want with no worries of checking in.  Bonus: I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t want to, doggone it!  There’s no one touching them -but me- anyhow. If and when I decide to shave them is my business. 

I can keep my house and my bedroom as neat or as messy as I want to without having to think about anyone else’s preferences.  I can buy food and cook for ONE.  It’s freaking amazing!  There’s no conflict to navigate or work through, because it’s only me.  I do have offspring but they don’t count in this conversation (as I’m speaking on romantic relationships vs. singleness).  I digress. I also have the freedom to try new ideas and reach for new goals without having to run them by a significant other nor be concerned with impacting said significant other.

So, if singleness is so amazing, why do I want to be in a relationship?  Well, it gets lonely.  Before you get started, yes, I know there are various options to remedy that loneliness, but, none of them interest me at this point.  I’m not interested in hooking up.  That’s not how I roll.  To be frank, that’s never how I’ve operated.  However, if that works for you, no judgments here.  I’m just of the personality type that wants relationship.  A committed, monogamous, healthy relationship with a godly man, to be exact.  And that’s hard to find.

Games are so tired.  Playboys of any age are so tired.  But, the culture in which we currently live is one that caters to “having it your way” and “if you don’t like it, get another one”.   There are plenty of people on the dating scene who want nothing more than a temporary fix.  That’s what thrills them.  However, finding someone who wants a serious relationship is a rarity.

The other problem is compatibility.  You can get a group of people in a room who all want a “serious relationship” but that doesn’t mean that they will be compatible or even attracted to each other.  Compatibility is the “X factor”.

I have lovely friends who will try to match-make.  They ask me about someone we mutually know, telling me they seem “really nice” and they “like” me.  My friends have good intentions, but, I am usually in no way attracted to nor interested in their suggested suitors on a romantic level. If I were interested, believe me, I would have made a move by now to test the waters.  Attraction and compatibility cannot be predicted or reasoned or formulated (in my opinion).

This takes me to dating apps [insert eye roll here].  They largely suck.  A small percentage of people have been fortunate enough to find their match using apps.  I am not one of them.  And I am not in the minority. Algorithms can only be so accurate, and we’re finding out some algorithms tend to reinforce existing bias.  Not a good thing.

The only dates I’ve been on in recent years have been due to randomly meeting someone IN PERSON, not from an app.  And these still were mostly one-off’s, lacking chemistry and/or compatibility once the conversation ensued.  Or, they’d result in dating for a few weeks or months only to discover the Pandora’s Box of issues that were way beyond the “red flag” stage… they were more like the “run for your life” stage. Or, dudes who are flaky as hell.  They don’t know what they want.  They don’t know who they are.  They give mixed signals galore and reveal themselves to be severely immature. Or, there are the ones who are really nice but just not a good fit.

[Side note:  I’d like to formally complain about the lack of conversational skills in this day and age.  “Hey wyd” is not a good opener.  I am immediately turned off by your lack of vocabulary and lack of trying for a better conversation starter than that!  Have something engaging, funny or intelligent to say.  You don’t have to be a brainiac, but at least be interesting!  And friendly!   And does nobody CALL anyone anymore?  Everything is text, text, text.  I like to text as much as the next person, but, can you take the initiative to call somebody and have a real conversation?  Or when I call you, don’t be weirded out!

Also, I think there should be a course taught on what to do if you face rejection.  Because when compatibility is lacking, and one of the two people is not feeling the same connection, rejection inevitably occurs.  And it hurts.  But, many times there are people who get angry or defensive or unstable when the attraction is not mutual.  I feel like there should be widespread teaching on healthy ways to deal with rejection, because it happens.  It sucks, but, it’s part of life.]

So, back to the topic…  I (and many of my friends) are left wading through the wasteland of options, waiting for something that looks remotely compatible, and intermittently trying dating only to be disappointed by the aforementioned examples and issues.  What is the answer?  No clue.  No clue at all.  But, I’d still like to find someone.  I’m not the type to give up even though currently the pickings are super slim.

I’ll keep you posted… 🙂

Kay Dee

©2019 I AM KAYDEE “Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship”

photo:  meme / author unknown

6 thoughts on “Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship

  1. Loved the article.I think that the time will come.You will find the person that is going to be compatible with you.Patience and keep on meeting knew people.Someone is got to be for you.Tu dia llegará.

    1. Gracias José! Tu tienes razón. A veces tener paciencia no es fácil. Pero Dios es fiel y sí mi día llegará. Gracias por las palabras de ánimo.

  2. You are a great writer and a great woman. Never lower your standards. There are wonderful guys out there, but the truth is, relationships need way more than two wonderful people feeling an incredible connection. My granddaughter challenged me this year on my 33rd wedding anniversary to write down 33 things I had leaned about relationships and marriage during the last 33 years through my own experience and observing other people’s behaviors in relationships. Here it is:
    1. Happy, successful and fulfilling marriages/ relationships require hard work; love and passion are valuable prerequisites, but not enough to take care of everything in a marriage.
    2. The first years of a marriage are the hardest. “Happily Ever After” comes after years of tested and proven commitment for growing together and supporting each other with patience, selflessness , sacrifice and teamwork.
    3. Clear communication of what we want in a relationship and what we expect from our partner can save a marriage from a lot of unnecessary drama.
    4. Jealousy , assumptions and overthinking are poisonous to any relationship and can make it a living hell. It is a matter of maturity to address our personal insecurities and fears and take care of them without unnecessarily torturing our partner with behavior resulting from our low self esteem.
    5. It is very important to always remind ourselves WHY we have chosen each other in the first place. That is priceless during hard times.
    6. Giving at least as much intimacy as we want to receive is not only fair, but a matter of respect to the other person. It is not OK to ignore or disconnect with our partner when they show nothing but love and affection towards us.
    7. We should never take the love and friendship of our partner for granted.
    8. There needs to be a healthy balance of giving and receiving in a marriage from both parties. If any of the partners feels lack of such balance, honest communication about it is a must.
    9. It is our personal responsibility to take care of ourselves mentally, physically and emotionally and to expect the same from our partner. Healthy relationships exist between emotionally and mentally stable partners or partners who at least recognize and admit that they have issues and consciously work towards overcoming them.
    10. I try to never forget that I chose to spend the rest of my life with my man before we had our child and our grandkids, he needs to remain #1, always.
    11. It is irresponsible to allow other people’s opinions or manipulative nonsense to affect how we feel about each other in a relationship; our bond, our family and our marriage are nobody else’s business but ours. Healthy relationships stay away from people who, for whatever reason, find indulgence in manipulating and controlling other people’s lives, relationships and feelings. It is not easy though as often we happen to love such manipulators who are relatives or “caring” close “friends”. Hard choices are to be made sometimes in order to protect a relationship from manipulative influences.
    12. Supporting each other in good and bad are not just powerful statements, but deliberate actions and choices we have to make every single day.
    13. In a good marriage both parties are open and clear about how they feel about the union at all times. Even when we get upset or angry with each other, we should never leave the other person hanging and wondering where they stand at any stage of the relationship.
    14. We owe each other consistent messages of love and care through talk and behavior in private and in public. Interacting with our partner differently in public than at home, because we are concerned about other people’s opinions, is stupid and offensive to any relationship.
    15. It is essential to pay attention to what our partner cares about and to support our partner’s interests even when they are different than ours. Of course that has to always go both ways.
    16. Honesty is of crucial importance in any relationship, it is even more important when the truth makes us look very bad; any lies, even innocent white lies to save face, are not OK.
    17. Accepting each other the way we are, without judgement, blame or accusation, regardless if we understand completely why the other person is acting in a certain way, are not compromises, but a matter of respect. At the same time, if the other person’s behavior makes us feel uncomfortable, that needs to be discussed timely, openly and clearly.
    18. Being loyal is essential for a healthy marriage. Asking other people for interpretation of our partner’s behavior or sharing intimate details our partner has trusted us with is absolutely unacceptable (unless protected by counseling privacy 🙂 )
    19. Always respecting the feelings of the other and thinking twice before saying or doing something that can hurt the other persons’s feelings is common sense, but sometimes not very easy to control in stressful and challenging situations. If it happens, timely apology and explanation is a must, most importantly, apology needs to be followed by changed behavior.
    20. Healthy relationships are nurtured by encouragement and believing in each other. Intentionally acting or speaking in a way aiming to make the other person feel inferior or suffer are signs of a mental sickness.
    21. Respecting each other’s boundaries requires understanding of each other’s boundaries. Each partner is responsible not only to respect the boundaries of the other, but also to clarify to their partner what their own boundaries are.
    22. It is a true manifestation of love and selflessness to put an effort to go out of our way to accommodate each other’s unique personality and to make each other feel good even when we are personally struggling with something. Each truly loving relationship deserves that effort.
    23. Celebrating life, togetherness and special occasions, successes and happiness is of major significance for any relationship. Sharing joy, having fun together is a must.
    24. Actively listening and hearing what our partner is saying, restraining ourselves from creating our own versions of what we think he is saying or feeling, avoiding to act upon our wrong perceptions, focusing on the facts: all the above can save a marriage and any relationship from a lot of trouble.
    25. Being always emotionally available, making each other feel listened to and appreciated as opposed to ignored or dismissed are priorities when we care.
    26. There is no true love without having our partner’s best interest in mind: we always have to find time and ways to show that we are present and that we love and care.
    27. Being by each other’s side when our partner needs help and support is a given, there should be no exceptions under no circumstances.
    28. It is important to share directly if anything in the other person’s behavior makes us feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, rather than discuss that with others without our partner’s presence.
    29. Growing together within a relationship is a process and accepting and understanding the ups and downs during that process is a matter of tolerance and respect that we owe to each other.
    30. True love doesn’t cause pain, it nurtures, comforts and heals. Love floats freely enriching the connection between two free souls, love is freedom. If there is hurt and discomfort in a relationship, there must be different reasons for that, not love itself. When we are serious about our love and relationship, each of us is equally responsible to find the reasons for any discomfort or pain, confront them and deal with them.
    31. There is no place for sick egos, emotional blackmail, manipulation, revenge and ignoring of the other person in a healthy relationship.
    32. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. We have no right to abuse our partner’s trust in any way and we should never allow our own trust to be abused.
    33. While we are still alive, every issue and problem within a relationship is fixable, it is just a matter of how much we care and how much effort we choose to put into fixing it.

    1. Albena, thank you so much for your encouragement & for sharing your wisdom! Congratulations on 33 years of successful marriage. Here’s to many, many more! I agree with you… relationships (successful ones) take hard work, consistency, selflessness, excellent communication, and much more!

      I have been divorced for several years. My former marriage was the definition of unhealthy & toxic. Trust was broken multiple times over the course of the marriage. It’s taken a long time to heal and … although i believe we never really “arrive”, I am at a much better place now than I ever was before.

      Your words are true wisdom. I hope you share them with many more people. 🙂

  3. That compatibility, or lack of, is serious. Sometimes that attraction makes you wanna create compatibility and you end up losing yourself in it. I’m new to this dating game, again… It sucks! I could never do a dating app in Cleveland. It’s just too small of a city. I look forward to the journey though.

    1. I agree, sometimes attraction makes you want to create compatibility. I guess life lessons, wisdom, growth would play a part in being able to help us know ourselves enough to know the difference.

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