I’m So Over It

I’ve been on social media for about 8 or 9, maybe 10 years.  That’s a long ass time! I tried, like a lot of other people, to get my name on the map.  I tried promoting a business and a website.  I tried being an inspirational figure.  I dabbled in singing and dancing (just for fun).  I tried for yearssss.  And did I “make it”?  Uhhhh … NOPE!  For a minute, it seemed like mayyybe I was going to take off, but things fizzled out quickly and I was disillusioned.  It was then that the seed of my discontent was planted and began to grow.

Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com

Couple that with my sad sack of a waning social life.  THAT whole part of my life was sliding downhill slowly and painfully.  What happened?  Short version: at a certain point I became disenchanted with my hobby-of-choice and all that came with it.  That’s when I stopped caring.  Everything seemed the same, stale, predictable… and even had the nerve to be political (social politics, not governmental obvs).  And I did not have time or energy for any political b.s., like not even a little bit, so I began to slowly retreat.  I was still visible at times, but more out of habit and boredom than anything else.  And nothing against the majority of people who were fixtures in that world.  I made a lot of good friends and acquaintances thanks to that hobby.  But the whole scene itself became drudgery for me.

And what craziness happens next??  Only the whole world shutting down is all.  COVID-19 shook alllll of us to the core.  And welp – that officially forced my exit from the hobby and environment that I no longer loved.  I stayed on social media but very sporadically.

As the ‘shutdown years’ passed, I reassessed my life, myself, my hopes, dreams and desires. I had time. We all did (thank you COVID). I was now at leisure to consider what was really important to me, family being one of those things. Heartbreakingly, I unexpectedly lost a parent to the ravages of the pandemic virus. Not only was I reassessing my life, but I simultaneously had to grapple with death and grief. Not a fun combination. It was all so surreal and took time to process and come to a place of “ok”.

In spite of it all, I think those secluded years were ultimately beneficial in many ways. No, I still haven’t figured out concretely what’s next. After all, COVID has not really ended, but instead we’re learning to live within a place called “new normal”. We’re all stumbling forward (hopefully not backward) to try to make it all make sense.

And here I am – living a “normal-ish” existence, having emerged from the reclusive life we all endured. Yes, I am still on social media and still quite disenchanted with it. It all feels so shallow somehow (but that doesn’t stop me from mindlessly scrolling though it daily and occasionally attempting to share content with meaning). Nevertheless, I’ve been wanting to express my voice on a deeper level, somewhere where it won’t be scrolled past but actually thoughtfully considered. Yet on which platform? FB and IG feel like attention traps rather than helpful vehicles, much of the time. To me, they have morphed into entities foreign to their original intended use (or maybe this was the intent?). Regardless, I don’t really love either.

And nope, I have not ventured into TikTok-land. For what?? It’s antithetical to what appears to be emerging as my ‘possible’ new purpose. I mean, yeah I was curious about it at first, but I just kept feeling a block in my spirit. The inner convo would go something like, “Girl, nuh-uh. Keep it moving, sis. TikTok is not your steeze.” Yes, I talk to myself like that sometimes. Don’t judge. So no, I have not created a TikTok account. I’m not huge on creating a lot of video content anyway.

Instead, I want to connect with people who are interested in genuineness. I want to write. I do not have all of the energy needed to be a social media personality. The thought of it is exhausting. Instead, let me type on my keyboard. Let me think thoughts and share them in written format. Let me search for words that convey meaning. Let people read them and relate and share their words back with me. THAT is the hope with returning to blogging. Who knows if I’ll reach anyone, tbh. Blogging doesn’t yield immediate results most of the time. It’s kind of like playing the long game. And I’m okay with that for now.

~ your perfectly-imperfect blogger, kay dee

Decoding for those who might not know:

  • steeze = style
  • FB = Facebook
  • IG = Instagram

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