Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship

In a world that chooses to either vomit all details of their lives on social media or provide the “perfect image” so that the world can envy, I hope to be one of the less-loud, less-perfect and more vulnerable voices.  I feel the world in general is consumed with public persona (yes I battle with it, too) versus sharing authentically.

In general, we present a face that we are comfortable with others seeing.  And while it’s true that everyone doesn’t need to know everything about our lives, thoughts and feelings,  there are times when sharing vulnerably and authentically can do greater good than keeping it to ourselves.  That’s why I’m sharing my journey.   I know that people who know me (or think they know me) will likely comment, telling me what I “need to do” or “the right way” to look at this, and it will come from a well intentioned place, but, I am not seeking advice.  I’m seeking to share by being open about this topic.

I am tired of being single.

There, I said it.  Now, don’t get all overly righteous or judgy on me.  And don’t assume that I’ve hated my singleness.  On the contrary, singleness is actually very freeing.  I have no person to answer to for anything.  No one to consider when I make plans.  I just get up and go!  I can hang out with whomever I want, whenever I want with no worries of checking in.  Bonus: I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t want to, doggone it!  There’s no one touching them -but me- anyhow. If and when I decide to shave them is my business. 

I can keep my house and my bedroom as neat or as messy as I want to without having to think about anyone else’s preferences.  I can buy food and cook for ONE.  It’s freaking amazing!  There’s no conflict to navigate or work through, because it’s only me.  I do have offspring but they don’t count in this conversation (as I’m speaking on romantic relationships vs. singleness).  I digress. I also have the freedom to try new ideas and reach for new goals without having to run them by a significant other nor be concerned with impacting said significant other.

So, if singleness is so amazing, why do I want to be in a relationship?  Well, it gets lonely.  Before you get started, yes, I know there are various options to remedy that loneliness, but, none of them interest me at this point.  I’m not interested in hooking up.  That’s not how I roll.  To be frank, that’s never how I’ve operated.  However, if that works for you, no judgments here.  I’m just of the personality type that wants relationship.  A committed, monogamous, healthy relationship with a godly man, to be exact.  And that’s hard to find.

Games are so tired.  Playboys of any age are so tired.  But, the culture in which we currently live is one that caters to “having it your way” and “if you don’t like it, get another one”.   There are plenty of people on the dating scene who want nothing more than a temporary fix.  That’s what thrills them.  However, finding someone who wants a serious relationship is a rarity.

The other problem is compatibility.  You can get a group of people in a room who all want a “serious relationship” but that doesn’t mean that they will be compatible or even attracted to each other.  Compatibility is the “X factor”.

I have lovely friends who will try to match-make.  They ask me about someone we mutually know, telling me they seem “really nice” and they “like” me.  My friends have good intentions, but, I am usually in no way attracted to nor interested in their suggested suitors on a romantic level. If I were interested, believe me, I would have made a move by now to test the waters.  Attraction and compatibility cannot be predicted or reasoned or formulated (in my opinion).

This takes me to dating apps [insert eye roll here].  They largely suck.  A small percentage of people have been fortunate enough to find their match using apps.  I am not one of them.  And I am not in the minority. Algorithms can only be so accurate, and we’re finding out some algorithms tend to reinforce existing bias.  Not a good thing.

The only dates I’ve been on in recent years have been due to randomly meeting someone IN PERSON, not from an app.  And these still were mostly one-off’s, lacking chemistry and/or compatibility once the conversation ensued.  Or, they’d result in dating for a few weeks or months only to discover the Pandora’s Box of issues that were way beyond the “red flag” stage… they were more like the “run for your life” stage. Or, dudes who are flaky as hell.  They don’t know what they want.  They don’t know who they are.  They give mixed signals galore and reveal themselves to be severely immature. Or, there are the ones who are really nice but just not a good fit.

[Side note:  I’d like to formally complain about the lack of conversational skills in this day and age.  “Hey wyd” is not a good opener.  I am immediately turned off by your lack of vocabulary and lack of trying for a better conversation starter than that!  Have something engaging, funny or intelligent to say.  You don’t have to be a brainiac, but at least be interesting!  And friendly!   And does nobody CALL anyone anymore?  Everything is text, text, text.  I like to text as much as the next person, but, can you take the initiative to call somebody and have a real conversation?  Or when I call you, don’t be weirded out!

Also, I think there should be a course taught on what to do if you face rejection.  Because when compatibility is lacking, and one of the two people is not feeling the same connection, rejection inevitably occurs.  And it hurts.  But, many times there are people who get angry or defensive or unstable when the attraction is not mutual.  I feel like there should be widespread teaching on healthy ways to deal with rejection, because it happens.  It sucks, but, it’s part of life.]

So, back to the topic…  I (and many of my friends) are left wading through the wasteland of options, waiting for something that looks remotely compatible, and intermittently trying dating only to be disappointed by the aforementioned examples and issues.  What is the answer?  No clue.  No clue at all.  But, I’d still like to find someone.  I’m not the type to give up even though currently the pickings are super slim.

I’ll keep you posted… 🙂

Kaydee

©2019 “Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship” by I Am Kaydee

photo:  meme / author unknown

Finding a Unicorn – Dating in your 30’s and Beyond

Let’s face it, dating these days is all kinds of strange. Whenever this topic comes up in discussion, I keep telling people that the culture has shifted.  It’s a “hook-up culture” encompassing all ages. Not many want a committed monogamous relationship anymore.  It’s sad.

I should have started by saying that I know a lot of women in their 30’s and beyond, who are phenomenal single women, myself included.  We have good jobs, some of us are amazing single moms, some of us are amazing non-moms, professional, gifted, stable, can hold an intelligent conversation, have varied interests, aren’t crazy, the list goes on.  The main things we have in common are how phenomenal we are, and our single status.  This is not for lack of trying.  Oh no.  We try.  We date.  And we come across insane amounts of foolishness in the process.  It’s hard out here in these proverbial streets.

It used to be when folks got to be of a certain age, they would want to “settle down”.  This has become an outdated notion to many.  Career comes first.  Or maybe they tried at love early on, and had a failed long-term relationship (with or without kids) and they’re not looking for another.  But, I submit to you that there are still plenty of us out here who would like to find a compatible life partner.  I know this post isn’t speaking to everybody, but, I’m just telling you what I know.

For me personally, add on top of this, wanting to find a guy who shares my faith.  Honey, it’s like trying to find a doggone unicorn.  You’d think, “Oh just find a guy in church.”  My answer… “Hahahahahahahaha….ha….ha….hahaha…HA!”  Unfortunately, many churches are geared only toward these 3 main ministries:  Married Couples, Children/Teens and YOUNG Singles.  That’s it.  Not middle aged or older singles.  Not divorced singles. Not widowed singles.  So there ya go.  And if by chance we do meet a church guy that we want to go out with, they have commitment issues too, or also just want to play games and waste time. We have stories, but, I will spare you them.

So, what to do?  Try dating sites/apps?  We try them.  Intermittently.  They suck.

I have unofficially decided that maybe it’s just U.S. culture and I need to leave the country? Can’t be sure of this, though.  I need to discuss more with my international friends.  Anyway, this a rant for rant’s sake.  I welcome Commiseration or Solutions only.  Blessings!

KD

Copyright 2019, Life Together with Kay Dee “Finding a Unicorn – Dating in your 30’s and Beyond”

Invisible Writer

I notice that since I haven’t blogged regularly or consistently in quite some time, my readership has gone down to zero (or maybe one friend who reads just because they’re my friend). This business of being a deep thinker, feeler, writer, sharer of ideas seems to be a pretty thankless one, unless of course, you’re wildly famous. Who knows, maybe I will be one day. 🙂

I must be getting old (haha) because while I see the relevance of social media, I also see the potential poison of it. You have to use it carefully, lest you’re swept up into checking it multiple times each HOUR just to see if someone posted something new. It is addicting. Not good. Also, there is so much moronic content on social media…I can’t take it sometimes. There is also a lot of good, but, you have to really hone in on it.

Social media caters to short attention spans (maybe even exacerbates them if already present). So, the more thoughtful content (larger pieces of writing that you actually have to READ) can get passed by. Maybe I need to pick more engaging content to write about?? But, I feel like the human condition is plenty relatable and seems like it should be more apt to garner more interest than it does.

I find myself a bit cynical and bitter that my writings are only read if I post about salsa dancing (my other blog). While I adore dancing, I tire of writing about it. I’d much rather write about the day to day struggles we all face and hopefully encourage someone along the way. So, for now, I am a bit invisible. Hopefully the more I write, the more folks I’ll connect with who have similar interests and focus.

©2019 Life Together with Kay Dee “Invisible Writer”

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

God’s Painful Grace

There was a time when I believed God’s grace to be something that was always comforting, always miraculous, always a blissfully joyful thing to experience. And it IS all of those things, but not always. Yes, God’s grace has brought me to thankful tears. God’s grace has brought relief and happiness to my heart. God’s grace has overwhelmed me as a loving force that cannot quite be put into words, where I’ve simply felt waves of love washing over me.

But, recently, as I have reflected on some very pivotal moments in my life, I’ve come to also notice a pattern of what I’ll call “painful grace”. This often comes in the form of shattered dreams, a broken heart, a lost job and the like. And it’s not until you’ve come completely out of the situation and (significant) time has passed, and the heart is open for lessons to be gleaned from the experience, that you realize that it was God’s grace at work in those difficult moments also.

At the time, we can rarely see it as grace, because we’re in the throes of pain and disappointment. We’re grieving, lamenting, mourning. It’s difficult to see clearly when we’re in the middle of grappling with the “why” and “how” of our agonizing experiences. But, in hindsight, we can see God’s hand of grace in those very situations.

Later, after the fact, we see that God’s grace in our losing that job was that He was moving us out of our comfort zone, or perhaps removing us from a place with no growth opportunity, or maybe removing us from a toxic work environment so that we could move onto the next opportunity that He had for us. If we’d not have been ‘moved’ from that position, we might have remained in a place of stagnancy and/or missed out on the next chapter God had for us for career growth and change.

After the fact, we see that God’s grace in that failed relationship was Him moving us out of an unhealthy situation, or saving us from a lifetime commitment with a toxic person, or saving us from a situation were we’d have been ill-matched or not truly valued.  However, by His grace, He ‘moved’ us out of that situation so that we could be free to move into a place of self-growth and healing, and/or into a place of preparation for a better future relationship.

After the fact, we can see that God’s grace in that failed business or shattered dream was Him repositioning us. He was re-routing us to an even greater purpose and more fulfilling dream. That ‘failure’ caused us to rethink life, upgrade our perspective, and brainstorm a new, more innovative plan or idea than we would’ve thought of if we’d have not experienced that failure. I once heard Bishop TD Jakes saying something to the effect of – ‘what if our failures are really our gateways to the next phase of our purpose?!’ [paraphrased]

Ohhh, God’s painful grace! We do not readily embrace it. We fight it. We even hate it, because at the time it does not seem like grace… It only feels like pain. But, if our hand is in God’s hand, shouldn’t we trust Him to lead us through this process? To refine us? To grow us? Even if at times His grace is painful?

©2019 Life Together with Kay Dee, “God’s Painful Grace”

photo credit: morguefile.com

Life

Life is multifaceted.
We juggle wants and needs, responsibility and desires, practicality and extravagance,
and everything in between.
We give large parts of ourselves to different things at different times.
It’s easy to feel like life is a constant struggle for balance.
Many times we tend to feel as though we’re wasting our time with mundane responsibilities,
often feeling trapped by them.
But, BEAUTY is not only found in the things that spark joy and passion in us.
Beauty can also be found in the daily grind, in the fulfilling of our duties, in the handling of our responsibilities.
We show up. We work hard. We provide for families. We care for loved ones.
There is honor in that. And we must include it in the totality of who we are.
Our lives ebb and flow, twist and turn, are unbalanced and balanced again.
We have seasons where certain things take up more space in our lives than others.
Sometimes things we want to do or be are delayed due to these life circumstances.

But, that doesn’t mean that we can never have those things or dreams that spark joy in us?
We absolutely can! But we must be mindful of the full picture. The fruition of things is often seasonal and the timing is rarely in our control.

Life is not one thing OR another. It is the summation of all things together. So, when we look at life, we should not define it by just ONE thing, aspect or season only.

Maybe life is less about “settling for mediocrity” or resigning ourselves to our “lot in life”.
Likewise, maybe it’s less about being fulfilled only if we have everything we want.
Instead, maybe it’s more about embracing the WHOLE experience, in all its many facets.
Maybe it’s about redefining our expectations of what life “should be” and embracing ALL of what it is.
Maybe it’s about recognizing and respecting the season we’re in, and flowing WITH it, not against it.

@i.am.kaydee
©2019 Life Together with Kay Dee “Life” by Kay Dee

Quiet Moments

I often like to simply lie awake in bed in the mornings. I lie there in the quiet gathering my thoughts, allowing my conscious mind to fully awaken. I review any dreams that have occurred during the night to see if there was anything of note, or if I should simply file that dream in my mental trash can (to be forgotten). I review anything that bothered me from the night before, to assess if it’s still weighing on me, or if a good night’s sleep has somehow lessened its impact and caused my perspective to shift. I talk to God in order to lay out any concerns and/or requests for the day. I take time to listen (and sometimes read my daily devotional app on my phone). I try to get God’s direction/guidance for my day ahead. I pray for those things or people especially on my heart. And I sometimes also think about dreams and goals (short or long-term, depending on the day). This may sound like a lot but usually doesn’t take very long. The more time I have, say if I wake up early OR have more time (if I’m on vacation for example) the more time I will dedicate to this. The quiet mornings before everyone & everything stirs, are essential for daily balance for me. Unfortunately, sometimes I miss this due to waking up last minute to a blaring alarm and having to get up in a rush. But usually I can fit at least five minutes of thoughtful meditation and prayer in. We need these quiet moments of ‘mental breathing’ to give us balance.

@i.am.kaydee

Blog – iamkaydee1.wordpress.com

Podcast – anchor.fm/kay-dee7

2018 Dec 26

Why Do You Worry?

Why Do You Worry?

by Kay Dee

My mind often goes there… It spirals to that place of a million thoughts happening seemingly simultaneously. I tend to worry. I want to blame it on genetics. My mom worries a lot. I might be predisposed to it. But, it’s something I’ve had to learn to manage. When things are out of control in our lives, we tend to like to control as much as we can. For instance, if you’ve experienced trauma at a young age (or at any age really), one way to cope is to control as much as possible going forward so that you prevent yourself from experiencing further trauma. The only problem with that is that there is so much in this life that is outside of our control. And when we cannot control all of the variables of life, it tends to breed anxiousness.

One definition of anxiety is: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. [google]

I tend to get anxious about uncertain outcomes. I want to control the outcome so that it will be a pleasant or happy one. Why do I want happy outcomes? Who doesn’t? But, for me, it is likely because I experienced traumas as a child and as a young adult. These series of events affected me deeply and it took a lot of time to recover from them. Trying to control as much as I could was a safety net for me. It made me feel secure. It made me feel like I could determine how things would progress. Most importantly, it made me feel that I could protect myself from hurt. Unfortunately, it didn’t. Life happened anyway. I had to learn that being anxious for things that hadn’t happened or might not happen only succeeded in making me feel terrible. And I had to learn that there was no possible way to control all outcomes. It was better to learn to enjoy what life had/has to offer and to learn ways to manage my anxious feelings should they arise.

To be honest, it’s something I consistently work on. I don’t have all of the solutions. Different things work for different people. One of the things that helps me is using basic MINDFULNESS techniques. Another thing that helps is reminding myself of TRUE statements to replace/counteract the anxious or fearful statements that arise in my thinking. For me, prayer also helps. My faith is an integral part of who I am, and reminding myself of the truth of scripture and of God’s love helps me to refocus my thinking. During prayer, the statement that frequently comes to mind is “Why do you worry?”. It’s as if God is reminding me that He is in control and I needn’t worry. I have his guidance and peace to accompany me throughout my daily life. This helps.

For some folks, anxiety can be debilitating and more focused, professional treatment may be needed, including counseling/therapy, psychotherapy, medication. There is no shame in any of this. Life is stressful at times and depending on what we’ve been through, what we’re going through currently, and how we have learned to manage and cope with life stresses and events thus far, this will determine how we handle when difficult things arise. You may need more help at certain times than at others. That’s perfectly okay. Love yourself and do right by yourself. You’re the only you that you’ve got. Be kind to yourself and learn to recognize and address your needs. You’re worth it!

Blessings!

LISTEN TO MY PODCAST at anchor.fm/kay-dee7 for more encouragement!

Mindfulness Info HERE

©2018 Life Together with Kay Dee, “Why Do You Worry?”