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Seeking Direction

I’m tired. I feel like I keep reaching for something better and it continues to escape my grasp. I try for love and keep experiencing disappointment. Or I temporarily settle and end up more deeply disappointed than ever.

I try for success outside of my job, and have several projects going, but, I get frustrated when it seems I’m getting nowhere. I’m not about using click bait, nor showing my body all of the time, nor gags, jokes, or pranks, just to get more views. I’m sick of how shallow our culture is. I try to have substance overall. Good character. Morals. Values. I try to help people and give good advice on things I wish I’d have known beforehand. But, it all seems to be falling on deaf ears or dry ground.

Sometimes I feel as though I was born in the wrong era, but, that can’t be right, because I’m here, now, for a purpose. Plus, bygone eras weren’t any better for black people.

Well… I guess that’s all I wanted to say. I don’t know the answers….

kay dee

©2020 I AM KAYDEE | Seeking Direction

Image by Larisa Koshkina from Pixabay

Boys Are Dumb, But So Darned Cute!

(This is an official rant.  Don’t take it personally if this doesn’t apply to you.  I just had to get it out.)

Boys…are…dumb.  Official.  Just tonto.  Like, wtf is wrong with them??? Seriously.  Non-committal, immature (just downright juvenile), confusing (and they say we’re confusing… HA!).  They don’t know what tf they want until they’re too old to enjoy it.  It’s the dumbest thing ever.

I know, I know you’re probably saying, “who did it?” or “bitter much?” but listen it’s not even like that. This is just sheer frustration with repeated behavior from varied guys.  And I don’t even date much.  Most of these dudes have decent jobs, carry themselves well enough outwardly, seem responsible and “together” UNTIL you scratch just a little bit beneath the surface and …. BOOM!  Out comes the stupidity.  I don’t know if it’s this culture we live in today, but, most guys are “dude-bro’s” living in their 21 year old mindset well into their 30’s, 40’s and beyond.  Hunnnnnyyyyy…. it’s annoying af.

But they’re so freaking cute, or hot, or sexy or all of the above. Sigh…

So, how do I find a MAN instead of a BOY in a man’s body??? HOW???? HOWWWWWW????

Signed,

Frustrated (but they’re so darned cute)

Winter Fan, Winter Foe

I don’t like winter.  I used to like it when I was a kid.  I loved putting on my boots and big poofy winter coat and trudging through the shin-deep blanket of snow.  I have good memories of attempting to make snowmen with my siblings.  Or I’d pick a pristine, untouched patch of snow and attempt to walk through the snow in a precise pattern so as to spell out my name or favorite word.  Yes, I was one of those nerdy kids who had favorite words.  Sometimes I’d take a fallen twig and try to write something in the snow in my best cursive.  Ahh, the innocence of childhood where the smallest things were a delight.

Fast forward to adulthood, having raised my own children and having lived through multiple snowy winters.  I don’t like winter anymore.  Truth be told, I’d rather be on a tropical island or in a warm location where snow is not the norm.  I’m okay if I don’t see snow firsthand for many years.  Yes, it’s beautiful.  It really is.  I especially like how the blanket of white fluff seems to insulate the noisy outdoors.  And it’s pretty when the snow covers the intricate tree branches.

But, I don’t need to live in it anymore.   I’m good.  Done.  My body hates being cold.  I no longer enjoy bundling up.  The gray skies of winter give me the blues.  And all I seem to want to do during the snowy winters is sleep and stay inside.  This is not the way to live (for me).  I want to wake up to sunshine and blue skies.  I want to wear shorts in December, January and February and not be cold.  I want summer weather all year long.  That’s the dream.

Blessings!

~ Kay Dee

©2020 I Am KayDee, “Winter Fan, Winter Foe”

Faith, Growth, Trust…help!

I haven’t been blogging regularly because I’ve been busy with everything else.  I’m trying to get some ideas off of the ground and establish some things so that they can grow. It’s hard work.  But, in the process, I’ve neglected my writing.

I’ve also been somewhat inwardly hesitant to share my faith, although I press forward and make myself do it anyway.  This society, for all of its shouts of “intolerance!” seems to be intolerant of Christianity. But, I get it.  Christianity has not had many stellar moments over the last several years.  Church organizations are run by people.  People are flawed.  And Christianity in the Western world has a past that is not anything to brag about.  It’s been used for manipulative purposes.  It’s been used to control.   It’s been used to oppress.  It’s been used to condemn.  None of these were the original intent.  We “the collective church” have not been good at leading with love.  But, I think there is hope.  There is a remnant, a faction if you will of believers who are rejecting all of the pomp and circumstance, the lack of authenticity and the pious arrogance of what the church has come to be known for and is instead seeking to take off the mask, get real, and get messy in seeking truth and in loving people, all people.

With that being said, I’ll be sharing more about my faith, knowing some will not want to hear about it.  But, to not share it would be to reject an essential part of who I am.  This is part of my truth and I seek to be authentically me.   I hope that some will relate to it, even if they don’t ascribe to the faith part of it.

God is calling me to a new level of trust.  This is a big deal for me because trusting God was a really difficult road for me.  As a child, I trusted God with the innocence of a child.  As I grew, I experienced a major betrayal of trust in my teens and it scarred me.  Trusting God was not something I was able to do for awhile because I was angry and bitter.  Thankfully, my love for God and my faith in God, though at times weak and small, never died.  God can work with ‘just a little’.  Over the years, I’ve worked hard at trusting God and the hard work has paid off.  Now, He’s calling me higher and it’s not all rainbows and puppies, let me tell you.  This new level of trust is also hard work.  It’s exposing all of my ‘yuck’ in the process.  Sometimes we get to a place where we think we’ve got a pretty good grasp on things.  We feel good about the level of maturity we’ve reached and how far we’ve come.  But, then God calls us to a new level of growth.  The growth process is not comfortable.  It’s work, it’s ‘sweat’, it’s humility and acknowledging we still have a ways to go, and it’s admitting you’re not as ‘together’ as you thought you were.  But, the rewards of growth in God’s hands are immeasurable.  I’m looking forward to seeing all of the new things God will do!

For any of you who are like me, and God is calling you to new / higher levels, keep trusting Him.  Keep allowing God to work on you:  to work some things out of you, as well as work some things into you.  He will help you!  And remember to have awesome brothers and sisters in the faith to link arms with you, so that you can keep one another lifted up along the way.

Much love, much peace.

~ Kay Dee

©2020 I AM KAYDEE, “Faith, Growth, Trust…help!”

The Audacity to Love Yourself

I love myself.

This is a declaration I must make on a consistent basis.  For so long, I didn’t love myself.  I experienced some traumatic family situations when I was young.  These life events dramatically altered how I saw myself.  I thought something must be wrong with me, or else these things wouldn’t have happened. This is often how children process trauma.  No matter how many times my folks would tell me it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was too late.   My brain already processed it as partially my fault. Without realizing it, I began to see myself as less-than-worthy.  I sought out attention as a teenager and young adult to try to “prove” to myself that I was good enough.  Relationship after relationship, trying to “make them see” how valuable I was.  I didn’t realize that I first had to learn to love ME in order to be whole enough to love others and to receive love in a healthy way.

Am I there yet?  Yes and no.  Yes, I do love myself and it’s taken so much work to get to the place where I could say it and mean it.  But, no, I’m not always good at it.  Some days I have to purposely declare it and purposely remind myself that I am worthy.

Faith Component:  For me, God is central to me loving myself.  He created me and loves me with a love so overwhelming that I cannot fully comprehend it.  And I experience God’s love in such tremendous and often unexpected ways, that I cannot deny it, nor would I want to.

Today, if you do not feel loved, or don’t love yourself, I want to remind you of how special you are. You are most certainly meant to be here.  You have purpose.  You are incredible.  I know sometimes days are not easy, but, please know that you matter.  Your existence is not pointless.  You have a lot to give, even if you cannot see it at the moment.  Know that I am at least one person, one voice here to remind you of your worthiness!  You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

If you feel you need more support than just reading a blog post, please visit my Resources Page to find extra help in the way of counseling or crisis support.  Sending oodles of love your way!

Blessings,

~ Kay Dee

©2019 I AM KAYDEE, “The Audacity to Love Yourself”

Photo credit: pixabay.com

Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship

In a world that chooses to either vomit all details of their lives on social media or provide the “perfect image” so that the world can envy, I hope to be one of the less-loud, less-perfect and more vulnerable voices.  I feel the world in general is consumed with public persona (yes I battle with it, too) versus sharing authentically.

In general, we present a face that we are comfortable with others seeing.  And while it’s true that everyone doesn’t need to know everything about our lives, thoughts and feelings,  there are times when sharing vulnerably and authentically can do greater good than keeping it to ourselves.  That’s why I’m sharing my journey.   I know that people who know me (or think they know me) will likely comment, telling me what I “need to do” or “the right way” to look at this, and it will come from a well intentioned place, but, I am not seeking advice.  I’m seeking to share by being open about this topic.

I am tired of being single.

There, I said it.  Now, don’t get all overly righteous or judgy on me.  And don’t assume that I’ve hated my singleness.  On the contrary, singleness is actually very freeing.  I have no person to answer to for anything.  No one to consider when I make plans.  I just get up and go!  I can hang out with whomever I want, whenever I want with no worries of checking in.  Bonus: I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t want to, doggone it!  There’s no one touching them -but me- anyhow. If and when I decide to shave them is my business. 

I can keep my house and my bedroom as neat or as messy as I want to without having to think about anyone else’s preferences.  I can buy food and cook for ONE.  It’s freaking amazing!  There’s no conflict to navigate or work through, because it’s only me.  I do have offspring but they don’t count in this conversation (as I’m speaking on romantic relationships vs. singleness).  I digress. I also have the freedom to try new ideas and reach for new goals without having to run them by a significant other nor be concerned with impacting said significant other.

So, if singleness is so amazing, why do I want to be in a relationship?  Well, it gets lonely.  Before you get started, yes, I know there are various options to remedy that loneliness, but, none of them interest me at this point.  I’m not interested in hooking up.  That’s not how I roll.  To be frank, that’s never how I’ve operated.  However, if that works for you, no judgments here.  I’m just of the personality type that wants relationship.  A committed, monogamous, healthy relationship with a godly man, to be exact.  And that’s hard to find.

Games are so tired.  Playboys of any age are so tired.  But, the culture in which we currently live is one that caters to “having it your way” and “if you don’t like it, get another one”.   There are plenty of people on the dating scene who want nothing more than a temporary fix.  That’s what thrills them.  However, finding someone who wants a serious relationship is a rarity.

The other problem is compatibility.  You can get a group of people in a room who all want a “serious relationship” but that doesn’t mean that they will be compatible or even attracted to each other.  Compatibility is the “X factor”.

I have lovely friends who will try to match-make.  They ask me about someone we mutually know, telling me they seem “really nice” and they “like” me.  My friends have good intentions, but, I am usually in no way attracted to nor interested in their suggested suitors on a romantic level. If I were interested, believe me, I would have made a move by now to test the waters.  Attraction and compatibility cannot be predicted or reasoned or formulated (in my opinion).

This takes me to dating apps [insert eye roll here].  They largely suck.  A small percentage of people have been fortunate enough to find their match using apps.  I am not one of them.  And I am not in the minority. Algorithms can only be so accurate, and we’re finding out some algorithms tend to reinforce existing bias.  Not a good thing.

The only dates I’ve been on in recent years have been due to randomly meeting someone IN PERSON, not from an app.  And these still were mostly one-off’s, lacking chemistry and/or compatibility once the conversation ensued.  Or, they’d result in dating for a few weeks or months only to discover the Pandora’s Box of issues that were way beyond the “red flag” stage… they were more like the “run for your life” stage. Or, dudes who are flaky as hell.  They don’t know what they want.  They don’t know who they are.  They give mixed signals galore and reveal themselves to be severely immature. Or, there are the ones who are really nice but just not a good fit.

[Side note:  I’d like to formally complain about the lack of conversational skills in this day and age.  “Hey wyd” is not a good opener.  I am immediately turned off by your lack of vocabulary and lack of trying for a better conversation starter than that!  Have something engaging, funny or intelligent to say.  You don’t have to be a brainiac, but at least be interesting!  And friendly!   And does nobody CALL anyone anymore?  Everything is text, text, text.  I like to text as much as the next person, but, can you take the initiative to call somebody and have a real conversation?  Or when I call you, don’t be weirded out!

Also, I think there should be a course taught on what to do if you face rejection.  Because when compatibility is lacking, and one of the two people is not feeling the same connection, rejection inevitably occurs.  And it hurts.  But, many times there are people who get angry or defensive or unstable when the attraction is not mutual.  I feel like there should be widespread teaching on healthy ways to deal with rejection, because it happens.  It sucks, but, it’s part of life.]

So, back to the topic…  I (and many of my friends) are left wading through the wasteland of options, waiting for something that looks remotely compatible, and intermittently trying dating only to be disappointed by the aforementioned examples and issues.  What is the answer?  No clue.  No clue at all.  But, I’d still like to find someone.  I’m not the type to give up even though currently the pickings are super slim.

I’ll keep you posted… 🙂

Kay Dee

©2019 I AM KAYDEE “Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship”

photo:  meme / author unknown

Finding a Unicorn – Dating in your 30’s and Beyond

Let’s face it, dating these days is all kinds of strange. Whenever this topic comes up in discussion, I keep telling people that the culture has shifted.  It’s a “hook-up culture” encompassing all ages. Not many want a committed monogamous relationship anymore.  It’s sad.

I should have started by saying that I know a lot of women in their 30’s and beyond, who are phenomenal single women, myself included.  We have good jobs, some of us are amazing single moms, some of us are amazing non-moms, professional, gifted, stable, can hold an intelligent conversation, have varied interests, aren’t crazy, the list goes on.  The main things we have in common are how phenomenal we are, and our single status.  This is not for lack of trying.  Oh no.  We try.  We date.  And we come across insane amounts of foolishness in the process.  It’s hard out here in these proverbial streets.

It used to be when folks got to be of a certain age, they would want to “settle down”.  This has become an outdated notion to many.  Career comes first.  Or maybe they tried at love early on, and had a failed long-term relationship (with or without kids) and they’re not looking for another.  But, I submit to you that there are still plenty of us out here who would like to find a compatible life partner.  I know this post isn’t speaking to everybody, but, I’m just telling you what I know.

For me personally, add on top of this, wanting to find a guy who shares my faith.  Honey, it’s like trying to find a doggone unicorn.  You’d think, “Oh just find a guy in church.”  My answer… “Hahahahahahahaha….ha….ha….hahaha…HA!”  Unfortunately, many churches are geared only toward these 3 main ministries:  Married Couples, Children/Teens and YOUNG Singles.  That’s it.  Not middle aged or older singles.  Not divorced singles. Not widowed singles.  So there ya go.  And if by chance we do meet a church guy that we want to go out with, they have commitment issues too, or also just want to play games and waste time. We have stories, but, I will spare you them.

So, what to do?  Try dating sites/apps?  We try them.  Intermittently.  They suck.

I have unofficially decided that maybe it’s just U.S. culture and I need to leave the country? Can’t be sure of this, though.  I need to discuss more with my international friends.  Anyway, this a rant for rant’s sake.  I welcome Commiseration or Solutions only.  Blessings!

Kay Dee

©2019, I AM KAYDEE “Finding a Unicorn – Dating in your 30’s and Beyond”