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Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

I have been noticeably absent from my normal social circles since the pandemic hit. The pandemic, for me, has been both devastating and kind of…good. Devastating because I lost my father to COVID. It was swift and crushing. It didn’t give us time to think or process the aspect of losing him. Within a span of days, he was just…gone. We were left reeling with the aftershock of his passing and the void that was left.

It’s been only 6 months since he’s passed. While I no longer feel devastation, there remains a sense of loss. Mostly when I think of him these days it’s with a twinge of sadness, coupled with the warmth of whichever good memory is randomly unearthed from the recesses of my mind. I still cry sometimes, but more so because of missing him and less so because of the weight of sadness, if that makes sense.

I’d say the pandemic has been “good” not because any pandemic is good. No. Rather, working from home and self-distancing drew me further into my own bubble. And in this bubble I had quiet. A break from the normal hustle and bustle. A break from people (except for some family). A break from having to be and feel “on” all of the time. A break from socializing. Although I have missed my friends, I have needed the break.

The quiet and near isolation turned out to be a good thing for me. It firstly allowed me to BREATHE. It allowed me to just BE, without any expectations from others (again, with the exception of some family). I could just think my own thoughts and decompress from the pressures and stresses of pre-pandemic life. This was a huge relief to my person (my mind, body, soul, spirit).

Secondly, it caused me to be able to face by own issues. I had the time and space to just be able to explore inwardly. We all have our own “ish” to deal with, right? This time gave me the freedom do deal with mine. A lot of healing took place. A lot of things I’d buried deep within began to surface, so that I could deal with them, reckon with them, wrestle with them and finally release them. I was able to come to a place of peace with a lot of things that I’d long needed to address.

Thirdly, it gave me clarity. Once I was able to come to peace about a lot of things, I was then able to see more clearly. Clarity of purpose is a gift. I did a lotttt of praying during this past year (and don’t plan to stop) and God just showed me a lot of things (and is still showing me). I feel more centered than I used to and I’m thankful.

When will I resurface? I know a few friends have been checking on me, worried about me, wondering about me, etc. Thanks for the loving concern. Trust me, I’m fine. I’m just handling my business, taking care of me. I’ll keep you updated.

Much love,

Kay Dee

©2021 I AM KAYDEE | “Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?”

A Note To My Children – About Persevering

[Yes, this is an actual note I sent to my kids. I never know if they will actually read my notes (smile) but I send them occasionally anyway. Maybe they will read this when they need it most.]

Every wall is a door” (Emerson)

I remember when I first saw this quote a few years ago, it gave me hope. It reminded me to alter my perspective when I faced difficulties. Maybe the “wall” or the road block was really leading me to where I was supposed to be.

And I remember years ago hearing a preacher talk about being in a meeting with Japanese businessmen. They told him that have no word for “crisis”. Instead their word is “opportunity”. I never forgot that. Actually more accurately the first character of the Japanese word for crisis means ‘dangerous’ and the second character of the word means ‘opportunity’ (according to a little research).

To me, it makes sense. When we’re in crisis, sometimes it’s daunting, scary, unpleasant (and maybe dangerous but not always). And in trying times, there is always “opportunity”. The opportunity to go a new direction, to create a new solution, to find maybe an unexpected answer. The opportunity to change our perspective on the matter. 

I once saw a commercial years ago about a GPS system in some vehicle. And every time the driver would go to an unexpected location, the GPS would say “rerouting” in that Siri voice. And BOOM I had a personal revelation… Isn’t that how it is with my walk with God. Every time I get off track, or face a “crisis” or hit a proverbial wall, I feel like God has said to me, “rerouting”. And I had the ‘opportunity’ to get back on track OR maybe had to take a detoured route to get back to my path. 

Sometimes I’d be routed to an entirely new path. A beautiful thing (even if initially it didn’t seem beautiful).

Sometimes we travel along and try our plans and face crises, which lead to opportunities. Sometimes we must be rerouted and that’s totally okay.  Life is not linear. What I mean is that very rarely do things go in a straight line or according to plan. It’s often a zig zag or loopy pattern. Lots of edges, twists and turns along the way. But if we allow ourselves the opportunity, we can learn and grow and dare to find beauty on the journey. 

Love, mom 

© 2021 I AM KAYDEE “A Note To My Children – About Persevering”

image credit: istock photos / google images

Seeking Direction

I’m tired. I feel like I keep reaching for something better and it continues to escape my grasp. I try for love and keep experiencing disappointment. Or I temporarily settle and end up more deeply disappointed than ever.

I try for success outside of my job, and have several projects going, but, I get frustrated when it seems I’m getting nowhere. I’m not about using click bait, nor showing my body all of the time, nor gags, jokes, or pranks, just to get more views. I’m sick of how shallow our culture is. I try to have substance overall. Good character. Morals. Values. I try to help people and give good advice on things I wish I’d have known beforehand. But, it all seems to be falling on deaf ears or dry ground.

Sometimes I feel as though I was born in the wrong era, but, that can’t be right, because I’m here, now, for a purpose. Plus, bygone eras weren’t any better for black people.

Well… I guess that’s all I wanted to say. I don’t know the answers….

kay dee

©2020 I AM KAYDEE | Seeking Direction

Image by Larisa Koshkina from Pixabay

Boys Are Dumb, But So Darned Cute!

(This is an official rant.  Don’t take it personally if this doesn’t apply to you.  I just had to get it out.)

Boys…are…dumb.  Official.  Just tonto.  Like, wtf is wrong with them??? Seriously.  Non-committal, immature (just downright juvenile), confusing (and they say we’re confusing… HA!).  They don’t know what tf they want until they’re too old to enjoy it.  It’s the dumbest thing ever.

I know, I know you’re probably saying, “who did it?” or “bitter much?” but listen it’s not even like that. This is just sheer frustration with repeated behavior from varied guys.  And I don’t even date much.  Most of these dudes have decent jobs, carry themselves well enough outwardly, seem responsible and “together” UNTIL you scratch just a little bit beneath the surface and …. BOOM!  Out comes the stupidity.  I don’t know if it’s this culture we live in today, but, most guys are “dude-bro’s” living in their 21 year old mindset well into their 30’s, 40’s and beyond.  Hunnnnnyyyyy…. it’s annoying af.

But they’re so freaking cute, or hot, or sexy or all of the above. Sigh…

So, how do I find a MAN instead of a BOY in a man’s body??? HOW???? HOWWWWWW????

Signed,

Frustrated (but they’re so darned cute)

Winter Fan, Winter Foe

I don’t like winter.  I used to like it when I was a kid.  I loved putting on my boots and big poofy winter coat and trudging through the shin-deep blanket of snow.  I have good memories of attempting to make snowmen with my siblings.  Or I’d pick a pristine, untouched patch of snow and attempt to walk through the snow in a precise pattern so as to spell out my name or favorite word.  Yes, I was one of those nerdy kids who had favorite words.  Sometimes I’d take a fallen twig and try to write something in the snow in my best cursive.  Ahh, the innocence of childhood where the smallest things were a delight.

Fast forward to adulthood, having raised my own children and having lived through multiple snowy winters.  I don’t like winter anymore.  Truth be told, I’d rather be on a tropical island or in a warm location where snow is not the norm.  I’m okay if I don’t see snow firsthand for many years.  Yes, it’s beautiful.  It really is.  I especially like how the blanket of white fluff seems to insulate the noisy outdoors.  And it’s pretty when the snow covers the intricate tree branches.

But, I don’t need to live in it anymore.   I’m good.  Done.  My body hates being cold.  I no longer enjoy bundling up.  The gray skies of winter give me the blues.  And all I seem to want to do during the snowy winters is sleep and stay inside.  This is not the way to live (for me).  I want to wake up to sunshine and blue skies.  I want to wear shorts in December, January and February and not be cold.  I want summer weather all year long.  That’s the dream.

Blessings!

~ Kay Dee

©2020 I Am KayDee, “Winter Fan, Winter Foe”

Faith, Growth, Trust…help!

I haven’t been blogging regularly because I’ve been busy with everything else.  I’m trying to get some ideas off of the ground and establish some things so that they can grow. It’s hard work.  But, in the process, I’ve neglected my writing.

I’ve also been somewhat inwardly hesitant to share my faith, although I press forward and make myself do it anyway.  This society, for all of its shouts of “intolerance!” seems to be intolerant of Christianity. But, I get it.  Christianity has not had many stellar moments over the last several years.  Church organizations are run by people.  People are flawed.  And Christianity in the Western world has a past that is not anything to brag about.  It’s been used for manipulative purposes.  It’s been used to control.   It’s been used to oppress.  It’s been used to condemn.  None of these were the original intent.  We “the collective church” have not been good at leading with love.  But, I think there is hope.  There is a remnant, a faction if you will of believers who are rejecting all of the pomp and circumstance, the lack of authenticity and the pious arrogance of what the church has come to be known for and is instead seeking to take off the mask, get real, and get messy in seeking truth and in loving people, all people.

With that being said, I’ll be sharing more about my faith, knowing some will not want to hear about it.  But, to not share it would be to reject an essential part of who I am.  This is part of my truth and I seek to be authentically me.   I hope that some will relate to it, even if they don’t ascribe to the faith part of it.

God is calling me to a new level of trust.  This is a big deal for me because trusting God was a really difficult road for me.  As a child, I trusted God with the innocence of a child.  As I grew, I experienced a major betrayal of trust in my teens and it scarred me.  Trusting God was not something I was able to do for awhile because I was angry and bitter.  Thankfully, my love for God and my faith in God, though at times weak and small, never died.  God can work with ‘just a little’.  Over the years, I’ve worked hard at trusting God and the hard work has paid off.  Now, He’s calling me higher and it’s not all rainbows and puppies, let me tell you.  This new level of trust is also hard work.  It’s exposing all of my ‘yuck’ in the process.  Sometimes we get to a place where we think we’ve got a pretty good grasp on things.  We feel good about the level of maturity we’ve reached and how far we’ve come.  But, then God calls us to a new level of growth.  The growth process is not comfortable.  It’s work, it’s ‘sweat’, it’s humility and acknowledging we still have a ways to go, and it’s admitting you’re not as ‘together’ as you thought you were.  But, the rewards of growth in God’s hands are immeasurable.  I’m looking forward to seeing all of the new things God will do!

For any of you who are like me, and God is calling you to new / higher levels, keep trusting Him.  Keep allowing God to work on you:  to work some things out of you, as well as work some things into you.  He will help you!  And remember to have awesome brothers and sisters in the faith to link arms with you, so that you can keep one another lifted up along the way.

Much love, much peace.

~ Kay Dee

©2020 I AM KAYDEE, “Faith, Growth, Trust…help!”

The Audacity to Love Yourself

I love myself.

This is a declaration I must make on a consistent basis.  For so long, I didn’t love myself.  I experienced some traumatic family situations when I was young.  These life events dramatically altered how I saw myself.  I thought something must be wrong with me, or else these things wouldn’t have happened. This is often how children process trauma.  No matter how many times my folks would tell me it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was too late.   My brain already processed it as partially my fault. Without realizing it, I began to see myself as less-than-worthy.  I sought out attention as a teenager and young adult to try to “prove” to myself that I was good enough.  Relationship after relationship, trying to “make them see” how valuable I was.  I didn’t realize that I first had to learn to love ME in order to be whole enough to love others and to receive love in a healthy way.

Am I there yet?  Yes and no.  Yes, I do love myself and it’s taken so much work to get to the place where I could say it and mean it.  But, no, I’m not always good at it.  Some days I have to purposely declare it and purposely remind myself that I am worthy.

Faith Component:  For me, God is central to me loving myself.  He created me and loves me with a love so overwhelming that I cannot fully comprehend it.  And I experience God’s love in such tremendous and often unexpected ways, that I cannot deny it, nor would I want to.

Today, if you do not feel loved, or don’t love yourself, I want to remind you of how special you are. You are most certainly meant to be here.  You have purpose.  You are incredible.  I know sometimes days are not easy, but, please know that you matter.  Your existence is not pointless.  You have a lot to give, even if you cannot see it at the moment.  Know that I am at least one person, one voice here to remind you of your worthiness!  You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

If you feel you need more support than just reading a blog post, please visit my Resources Page to find extra help in the way of counseling or crisis support.  Sending oodles of love your way!

Blessings,

~ Kay Dee

©2019 I AM KAYDEE, “The Audacity to Love Yourself”

Photo credit: pixabay.com