What I’ve Learned From Failed Relationships: The Good, The Bad and The Beautiful

What I’ve Learned From Failed Relationships: The Good, The Bad and The Beautiful

by Kay Dee

Where to start? Let’s see… I’ll start with the fact that I’m old enough to have teens and young adult children, I am divorced, and remain single. Not for lack of trying. I’ve been trying to find someone special, but, he has not yet come into my orbit. Actually, when I say “trying”, I mean looking, pouting, hoping, wishing, wanting, attempting, being disappointed, being utterly frustrated, looking, hoping, trying again…. You get the picture. I feel as though my post-divorce single journey has been a roller coaster ride. Not as hairy or crazy as my marriage was, but, not without great highs and stomach dropping lows.

Many times I have wondered if something was wrong with me. I would compare myself to my friends who had also been divorced but found love again fairly quickly.  I’d also compare myself to other single friends who eventually found a great love connection. Not a fair comparison, I know.  I’ve been in the “singles club” for a while. And if you’ve been in the singles club for any length of time, when one of your long-time club members suddenly finds love, you experience that twinge of jealousy and pang of self-doubt. Yes, part of you is very happy for them because it gives you hope that it’s never too late to find one of the “good ones” out there. But, it’s also is like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s like everyone else got picked for the kickball team and you’re that last one that no one wants. You may not let on that these feelings creep in, but they do.  Outwardly you might be all smiles and congratulations, but inside, a part of you hurts.  You know you can’t stay in that hurting place. You must push past it to get back to your zen-single-mindset.  But it’s not easy out here.

The more I look around, I realize that I have a lot of phenomenal women friends who are still single. That makes me wonder if there is not something awfully lopsided about the prospects of finding a good man these days. I digress.

As I was saying, self-doubt often creeps in. But, I always try to put things into perspective. Having been previously married taught me a lot about what I did and did not want;  what I would accept and what I would not. It helped me to figure out who I am and what I stand for. After my divorce, I went deep. I analyzed and re-analyzed everything. I read books upon books. I talked to counselors and mentors. I prayed a LOT. I wanted to LEARN what I did wrong, what he did wrong, what could’ve been done differently, what to watch out for, etc. I came to a place where I felt pretty self-assured that I knew what to look for and what I wanted in a future mate, and I was sure I’d find it.

But, answer me this:  What happens to you after you’ve been for married several years and suddenly find yourself single and having to re-enter the dating scene? I’ll tell you. It is completely foreign. You don’t know how the ‘game’ works anymore because you have been out of it for so long. You are “green” again.  Only I did not realize I was “green”.  I was overly confident and under-prepared and… I fell for the okey-doke (old school talk for basically getting played). After a devastating reality check, I was able to find my footing. The journey I would then go on took me through varied experiences with uniquely different men. And each of them taught me lessons. Some were good, some were bad and some were beautiful. I learned lessons about myself as well and I want to share some of those lessons with you here. Nothing here is a great revelation in the sense that I’m sure you’ve heard these things before. But, some things were surprising to me and helped me to grow. I’ll start with “The Bad” to get that out of the way first, and then go to “The Good” and “The Beautiful”. I will also preface this by saying that although I am talking from my personal perspective about men I have encountered, I know that what I am about to describe does not only apply to men.    Ok, here we go….

The Bad

I have learned that some men are completely “effed up” (pardon my language but it’s true). There are those who have severe mental and emotional problems, who will unleash their toxicity on you and have you feeling like you’re the crazy one. I was in a long-term relationship with a narcissistic and mentally unhealthy person. It was hell on earth. The messed up part is that, back then, I was so insecure that I put up with the mental and emotional abuse for a long time. God literally had to break me free from that toxic situation. But, I learned something important.  I learned is to have compassion for those who are in abusive relationships, because often when you are in the thick of it, you ‘cannot see the forest for the trees’. You cannot see the big picture, only what is immediately in front of you. And you are so wrapped up in the crazy (situation), that the crazy becomes your normal. It wasn’t until this relationship ended that I was able to see the severity of the situation I was in. But, after I got out of it and eventually healed… baby, let me tell you… a strong, fierce woman was birthed from that process! (I’ll write more about that in another post).

Next, of course I encountered the “player” or “playboy” type of guy. He’s always got swag. Always. That’s part of what makes him so appealing. He possesses a kind of cocky confidence that makes you swoon just a little bit (or a lot). He is sexy, suave, smooth, practiced and predictable. However, some are so practiced and so polished in their ‘playboy-ness’, that they have more than a few tricks up their sleeve depending upon the type of woman they are trying to seduce at the moment. Usually, we can all spot a player. The problem arises when we start to fall for their ploys or attempts juuuuuust enough to put a little crack in our armor. Once that armor is cracked, you best believe that this guy is going in for the kill. All he needed was an opening, a weak spot. If you think you are immune to all players…think again. I have learned not to overestimate my strength. Sometimes it’s best to just RUN. Don’t even flirt with fire. You may get burned.

I have learned that some men are confused, fickle, wishy-washy, etc. This type of man doesn’t quite know what he wants. He could fall into the player category. But, he could also genuinely be an emotional wreck and not know definitively what he wants because he hasn’t taken the time to pursue any answers. Nor has he taken the time to heal before involving a woman in his world of confusion. I have learned to see the signs of this personality and to extricate myself fairly quickly from such situations.

Here is something I have learned about myself that I don’t think is good, so I am putting it in the bad category. I learned that I have tended toward men (some good, some not) who are largely “unavailable” for some reason or another. Maybe they are healing from someone previous.  Maybe they are at a point in their lives where their career is most important.  Maybe they just don’t have the time nor the interest in pursuing a relationship. The result is as you suppose. It never works out. My next job is digging deeper into this revelation and figuring out some answers for myself, and then going in a better direction for future pursuits.

The Good and The Beautiful

I have learned that there are indeed good men out there. Men who are kind, thoughtful and caring. Even though things did not end up working out between me and these individuals, I still have respect for them and have gained some valuable heart-healing insights.

1.) Good men still exist. Just realizing from my personal experiences that there are still good (and godly) men out there has restored my faith in men in general (because at times, due to repeated bad experiences, my faith had begun to diminish). Having encountered and pursued something with these good men has given me much needed hope that at the right time, I will find and form a lasting relationship with such a man.

2.) There are men out there who will appreciate you for who you are, just as you are.  They will like all of the parts of you that you feel insecure about. They will appreciate your personality, your intelligence, your quirks, and your body. Having previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I encountered the opposite for so many years. I was talked down to;  told I needed to be more like someone or something else. There were times I even was made to feel guilty for being intelligent. So, having encountered men who have truly appreciated me as I am, without trying to change me, and who  VALUED and CELEBRATED me, has given me courage to know that I can continue to be ME unapologetically.  The right person will like all of me.

3.) I have learned that there are men who are honorable. As previously mentioned, I have children. Daughters and sons.  As a rule, I have not brought guys home to meet my kids one-on-one because (a) it rarely got to a point where it was serious enough for that to happen (I know everyone is different about this, but, this was how I chose to handle.)  (b) I had always heard stories of guys who were so pervy (i.e. perverted) that they would try to make moves on your kids, which is disgusting, and I always feared that. BUT there were a couple of situations where I allowed exposure to my kids.  I was not disappointed.  These men were respectful and honorable and this encouraged me so much.

4.) I have learned that true gentlemen still exist. While it’s true that having good manners does not always a gentleman make, there ARE guys who are gentlemen inside and out. They will hold the door for you, ask your preferences, hold your hand as you walk up the stairs, pull out your chair, will pay for dinner without expecting sex. Lol. So rare.  They will intently listen to and value your company and your conversation. They are never forward and never presume.  Now, I know that some women don’t prefer this in general, but I do. And it gives me continued hope as I go along my journey.

There are other things I could list, but, I’ll stop here. I hope you have enjoyed reading this and I hope it gives you pause to think about your own situation, outlook, and experiences. I hope that you reflect not so much on the negative, but instead, on what good you have learned from bad situations and what beautiful things you have experienced so far in your journey. Single sisters (and brothers), it is not necessary to compromise your core values. I know at times it is definitely tempting to do so.  And there are times, in our journey we may stumble or get stuck or fall down. But, let this be a reminder that you can get back up again, better, bolder, stronger, wiser than before. As we learn, we grow. Growth is not always a pleasant process, but necessary nonetheless. Keep growing and learning and hoping. I stand with you. Much love, much peace.

Walk Away From The Flames: Stop Burning Yourself

Touchflame but

Why is it that we as people tend to want what’s bad for us? Is it human nature? Is it sin nature? What is it? Whether it be relationships that we KNOW are absolutely destructive and unhealthy… Or environments that are toxic or overly tempting… Or whether it’s gorging ourselves on food that we know is bad for us and we’ll pay for it later…. Or wanting what is forbidden, what is not ours? What is it?

Remember in high school or college, there was that guy or that girl who was pretty good looking, smart, funny, charming… but wasn’t the “bad” boy or the “hot to trot” girl? What about them? Why do we tend to ignore those who could be potentially good, solid, stable people and instead lust for danger, adventure, the ‘high’? But, going for the forbidden is exciting, right?! It’s thrilling! It’s titillating! Now, to clarify, I’m not referring to going for your dreams or taking good risks to reach your goals. That is different. Here, I’m talking about unhealthy choices, about compromising in the wrong direction, about ‘selling your soul’, so to speak. I’m talking about potentially putting ourselves in harm’s way just for the thrill or just to get that ‘thing’ or that ‘person’ or that ‘high’ that we know deep down inside is no good for us.

Are we just thrill seeking? Or are we self-punishing? Is it that somewhere deep in our inmost being we feel we don’t deserve what is good and healthy and stable, etc.? Did something happen to us in our lives a loooong time ago or continuously throughout our lives that warped our perception of what is good vs. bad, healthy vs. unhealthy? Did someone once tell us that we were “less than” or “no good” and that we deserved bad things and we believed it? Were the messages subliminal? Were you somehow made to believe by life, by people, by circumstance that there is nothing you can do to deserve true happiness, so you might as well just ‘flip the bird’ at the world and live with reckless abandon, regardless of the consequences?

Or are you by all appearances happy, but, deep inside there is secretly a void? Yes, outwardly you’re well liked, you are successful in your career, you have a great family, but, secretly you’re hooked on prescription drugs or pain killers? Or nobody would suspect that hidden all around your house are bottles and vials of alcohol because you feel you cannot cope without it because it kills the numbs the unresolved pain you feel inside. Perhaps, although you’re married or committed to a great person, you’ve allowed yourself to be in ‘sabotage mode’ because somewhere along the line you were told “nothing good ever lasts”… so you go ahead and flirt with that coworker and flirting progresses to something more serious. You know it’s wrong, but, you keep telling yourself you don’t deserve happiness anyway. Maybe you’ve always gone after the “players” because they were good looking and exciting, yet you ignore ALL of the obvious signs that he/she is using and cheating on you with multiple people, because you want to be loved… But you went for the “player” because deep inside you didn’t feel like you deserved any better. After all, what ‘good’ happens in life? Or perhaps life has become so bad, that you seek your refuge in food. Food comforts. Food tastes good. Food doesn’t judge you. Food is always there. Food doesn’t disappoint you. But, as a result you pack on the pounds and before you realize it you’ve come to a place physically where you are no longer healthy… and you’re not quite sure how to get back.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? What prohibits us from desiring what is healthy and good? Or what drives us to self-sabotage mode or gets us off track?
Why do we keep ourselves in this cycle? If we keep getting burned, why do we keep going back to touch the flames?

I suspect there are varying reasons as there are varying solutions. But, my heartfelt plea to you if I’ve said something that has spoken to you is this:
YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE LOVEABLE. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY. Stop punishing yourself. Get the help you need to get yourself on the right path. If you need professional help, get it! If the first professional person doesn’t ‘click’ with you, ask around and get GOOD recommendations to find another. But get the help. If this is just a matter of ‘waking up’ to realize where you are, I hope and pray that this small blog post could serve as that wake up call. Stop returning to what is harmful and start moving toward what is healthy. The trouble is that many times, these thought-patterns and behavior-patterns are so deeply ingrained in us that it will likely take some skilled professional counseling to help us rewire our thinking to get to a healthy state. And for addictions of any kind, most definitely professional help is needed and that is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. Taking care of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. Go for it! Get the help. And I hope that through your journey you come to the place that you will do what is healthy and good for you for your future.

God bless.

© 2014 KD Corner “Walk Away From the Flames: Stop Burning Yourself”

image from Google images

Can’t Go On…

despair

I can’t go on
Oh no, I can’t go on
Every step falters
Weak ankles, trembling knees
Worn out legs, weak hips
I can barely take a step
Without pain
Coursing through my body
Shooting up my spine
Hunching me over

Feeble hands, weak arms
Trembling fingers, head bowed
This life has taken its toll on me
A long and arduous journey it’s been.
Tired.
I’m so tired.
How can I take one more step?
I want to give up…
What’s the point of all of this?

Tears of years of anguish begin to flow
The tears are a release
A release of pent up pain, bitterness and frustration
I’ve asked God “why?” a million times,
With my heart breaking in prayer
Longing to hear His answer, His solution, His reason
For all I’ve had to endure thus far
For all I’m in the process of enduring

The sobs turn into whimpers
The whimpers into sniffles
The sniffles into silence
I sit
In awkward silence…waiting
For his answer.
The silence continues
And with every passing second, minute, several minutes
I get angrier,

“WHERE ARE YOU???”
“DO YOU EVEN CARE???”
I yell at God.

And the violence of my sobs returns
I cry until I can cry no more
Exhausted, I fall asleep
When I awake
My heart still aches
The pain is still raw
With the disappointment that He still hadn’t answered

“Daddy (God).”
I call out to the Lord in quiet desperation
Like a child longing for Papa
With eagerness, yet more humility now than before.
Tears fall from the corner of my eye, one by one, in rapid succession.

“Daddy?”

“I’m here.” His voice, almost audible, resonates within my soul.

Tears flow more readily now.
He’s here. He’s here!
He is here with me.
He’s not left me at all!

Out erupts my verbal barrage of questions
Flowing out like an unyielding stream
Like a small child asking every question under the sun
Desiring answers.
When I’ve asked Him every possible question I can think of – I go silent
Feeling silly for rambling on so, but still awaiting some answer.

Quietly I sit.
Moments pass.
I breathe.
I wait,
More patiently this time.
And just when the silence begins to agitate me
And I start to feel antsy, He speaks again…

“I am here, child.
I’ve been here all along.
I’ll never leave you.”

His voice, unmistakable.
My tears stream.
He’s here.

“Dad (God), I’m so tired…” I confess, halfway pouting and all-the-way exhausted.

“I know. I’m here.” He says.

I don’t get many outright answers,
But I’m assured that I’m not alone.
And as I sit in His Presence and reflect,
He brings to mind a flurry of scriptures that remind me of His faithfulness.
I begin to look up a few of them and begin to be really encouraged:

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future….”

Isaiah 41:10 – So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Hebrews 13: 5-6 – Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So that we may boldly say, “The Lord is my helper. I will not fear. What can man do to me?”

Psalm 23:4-5 – Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

Jeremiah 2:23-26 – Be glad, O people of Zion, rejoice in the Lord your God, for he has given you the autumn and spring rains, as before. The threshing floors will be filled with grain; the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. “I will repay (restore) you for the years the locusts have eaten – the great locust and the young locust, and other locusts and the locust swarm – my great army that I sent among you. You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, and you will praise the name of the Lord your
God, who has worked wonders for you; never again will my people be shamed.”

Isaiah 61:1-4a & 7-8a – The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty for the captives and release prisoners from darkness, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning; and the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations…Instead of their shame my people will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace they will rejoice in their inheritance; and so they will inherit a double portion in their land, and everlasting joy will be theirs. For I the Lord, love justice….”

Isaiah 62:1-5 – For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (meaning – my delight is in her) and your land Beulah (means – married); for the Lord will take delight in you and your land will be married. (I think it’s beautiful how God loves us)

Joshua 1:9 – “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Proverbs 31:28a – Her children arise and call her blessed….

Psalm 34:17-18 – The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

John 14:25-27 – [Jesus Christ speaking] “All this I have spoken while still with you. But, the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 16:33b – “…In this world you will have trouble (tribulation); but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

The Lord impressed upon me to write this today.
If you’ve ever felt this way, or similar, please remember that you are not alone. Though we suffer many things, whether physical, emotional, mental, etc., He is still with us.
He is with you right now, though you cannot see him.
You may not have all of the answers,
And God may not divulge reasons or explanations at present,
But know, believe, trust that there is a greater purpose for your life than what you may see right now.

If you’re in an abusive situation and your life is in danger PLEASE get to a safe place and get help if you possibly can. I pray God’s protection over you and that he would grant you wisdom, favor, and an escape to safety. And that he would hide you from harm. If you need help, call 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). If you need help dealing with alcohol/drugs 1-800-784-6776. For gambling addiction help 1-800-522-4700. For help with pornography addiction, visit this website: XXXChurch. For other struggles you may need or want help with that I haven’t listed, please visit this LINK.  If you know about human trafficking and want to report it, call: 1-888-3737-888.  You are precious. Never forget that.

Be encouraged today!
He is here!

© “Can’t Go On…” KD Corner 2013 All Rights Reserved

Photo credit: Here

Loving Wounded Women

I think John Mayer’s song Daughters encapsulates it best:

I know a girl
She puts the colors inside of my world
But she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change

And I’ve done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers that turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

What prompted me to write this essay? To help people who are:

  1. Dating or attempting to date a ‘wounded’ woman
  2. Married to a ‘wounded’ woman

DISCLAIMER:  I am not a therapist, expert, licensed counselor or the like.  I have no formal education on this subject.  I have, however, experienced to some degree what I am about to share and would like to give information and insight from my own perspective and the perspectives of those who have shared with me over the years.   The symptoms, experiences, etc. are not all-inclusive, but, instead represent a sampling of possible issues.  Lastly, though I recognize these issues can apply to men as well as women, for the purpose of this piece, I will concentrate on the state of being ‘wounded’ as it relates to women. Origins of the Wounds The origin of a woman’s wounds could come from many different sources (too numerous to mention).  For the purpose of this piece I would like to concentrate on two particular sources: (1) Father Wounds  (2) Ex-Relationship Wounds (marital or dating) Father wounds Father wounds are, as the title suggests, wounds inflicted intentionally or unintentionally by the biological father or father figure in the woman’s life.  There are many but I will briefly cover six (6) possible sources:

  1. Neglect – Perhaps the father did not pay much attention to his daughter for whatever reason.
  2. Rejection – This could come in the form of feeling rejected from her parents’ divorce; feeling rejected because perhaps dad wanted a son and instead got a daughter;  feeling rejected due to a step-father situation where the step-father did not make an effort to develop a relationship with step-daughter; rejection because dad physically left her life forever; etc.
  3. Abandonment – Again, divorce brings on this feeling.  Dad is supposed to be protector and cover his family. If he leaves due to divorce or other reasons, the child can feel abandoned, even if care is taken to make sure the child knows it’s not her fault. Dad’s absence from the family unit is traumatizing. Also, if dad decides to completely leave the family and never keep in touch this will cause a feeling of abandonment.
  4. Abuse – This can include emotional (manipulation, control, berating/abusive speech), physical or sexual.  Trust is broken from someone who is supposed to protect, and they breached and destroyed trust by selfish and disgusting behavior.
  5. Addiction – If the father suffered from an addiction such as drugs, alcohol or other, this could have many negative effects on the daughter including those mentioned above (rejection, abuse, abandonment, etc.).  Perhaps because of his addiction, the daughter had to take on more of an adult or parental role in the household prematurely because the addicted parent was not able to behave in a responsible adult fashion.
  6. Death – Perhaps the dad passed away prematurely and the daughter had limited or no time with her father, which could’ve possibly lead to any of the above symptoms.

Ex-Relationship Wounds (marital or dating) Many of the same ‘rules’ apply regarding Father Wounds & may be interrelated.

  1. Neglect – Perhaps the spouse or boyfriend neglected her on a consistent basis.
  2. Rejection – Perhaps occurs due to neglect or abuse of some kind. Rejection of who she is as a person.
  3. Abandonment – Perhaps the spouse or boyfriend completely left the relationship (divorce or break-up) without warning, or without trying to work on it, etc.  Often, the husband/boyfriend leaves her for another woman and/or leaves her a single mom fending for herself.
  4. Betrayal – The spouse or boyfriend breached trust in the relationship due to an affair (or series of affairs); Financial irresponsibility or creating large amounts of debt without the wife/girlfriend’s knowledge – wreaking havoc on the finances, etc.
  5. Abuse – Whether emotional (manipulating, controlling, berating/abusive language), physical or sexual.
  6. Addiction – Perhaps the spouse or boyfriend battled an addiction and it destroyed the relationship and had residual effects on woman.
  7. Death – Spouse or boyfriend passes away suddenly and without warning and woman is left trying to cope.

Effects of Wounds If a woman has experienced any of these wounds they may take on different side effects in her life.  In her attempts to cope or ‘normalize’ her life or ‘ignore’/push away the bad memories, some of the following may manifest:

  1. Promiscuity – particularly when a woman has suffered abuse of some kind and/or abandonment, she may cope in a way where she feels like SHE is going to control what happens to her and SHE will be the aggressor.  She secretly may not feel like she’s worthy of a good relationship.
  2. Withdrawing from life – Often, as a coping mechanism, some women will just politely withdraw from life.  Yes, they’ll go about their normal daily routines but they will largely shut themselves off from forging new friendships or relationships. They’ll stay in their own bubble of a world and will not let others in easily, if at all.
  3. Sabotage – Because of all she’s endured, she doubts her worth and therefore if anyone gets too close, she either knowingly or unknowingly does something that sabotages any growth in the relationship, particularly if it is getting “too close” or more intimate.  Possibility of intimacy or a serious relationship causes fear of further rejection, etc. She shuts the relationship down to protect herself from having to potentially experience hurt EVEN IF the guy is a genuinely good guy.
  4. Does Not Trust (Easily / At All) – When a woman is deeply wounded, as a defense and/or coping mechanism, her guard goes UP.  Think of this guard as a 5-foot-thick, 10-foot-tall concrete enclosure.  Nothing’s getting in…and nothing’s getting out, barring demolition equipment.  Why is it so difficult for trust to happen, even with a really good man who has the best intentions? Because her trust has been completely violated and utterly demolished.  It will take time and LOTS of patience and understanding for a man to penetrate this wall and/or for her to begin to let it down.  If you’re not a patient person, this may not be the job for you.  RECOGNIZE just like the song I quoted at the beginning of this piece, that her inability or apprehension to trust you has really “got nothing to do with you”.  As for her, it’s up to her to take the initiative to work on herself as well, and to get some quality professional counseling as well, if necessary, to begin to work through her ‘demons’ and get to a healthy place again where she CAN begin to trust.  Be patient with her because this will take TIME and consistent work. But also help her to want to help herself in this area. Be in her corner and cheer her on.
  5. Workaholic – She may use work and her career as a reason to ignore or block out any possibilities of intimacy (a deep, meaningful relationship).  She may be wildly successful professionally, but, severely lacking in relationships of any significance.  The schmooze, she can do.  Forging close friendships and relationships, she avoids like the plague because they make her uncomfortable.  They force her to have to be vulnerable, to open up that place that once was so deeply wounded.  She may feel as though she cannot risk being wounded again, so, it is difficult for her to consider opening up for even the possibility of sharing her heart.
  6. Non-Committal – This is intertwined with some of the above-mentioned effects.  She’s a casual dater.  She’ll go from one guy to the next, not letting anything get too far before she breaks it off.  This is similar to #3 (Sabotage).  This non-committal attitude may carry over into other areas of her life as well.
  7. Jealousy – If the woman has been continuously cheated on in previous relationships and made to feel as if she was second best, or not as good as “girl number two”, the result is often overwhelming and unfounded jealousy in future relationships.  She has no reference for a TRULY GOOD and honest relationship.  Everything she may have experienced to this point may have been low-life guys who always sought out opportunities to be unfaithful and to make her feel second rate.  She will have to take steps to heal from this & work through her own thoughts and reactions in subsequent relationship(s).  But, if you are her spouse or boyfriend and are a truly good guy who would never cheat on her…if she’s the love of your life…be lovingly patient and reassuring.  Know that it’s not really you that she’s reacting to, as much as flashbacks of past incidences that may remind her of something or someone that brought harm to her previous relationship.  Also, take stock of your own actions.  Maybe you’re just an overly friendly guy who calls everyone “honey” and chats it up with everyone and their mother.  But, maybe she feels threatened by this and she’ll need your reassurance, and perhaps tweaking your friendliness just a tad to help her to feel comfortable.

What Is The Solution? That is a loaded question.  There is not a one-size-fits-all solution to loving your wounded woman.  I think that one of the key factors in any relationship is that both people have to continually want to work on the relationship and on themselves to make/keep the relationship better/healthy. Perhaps your woman does not realize she’s doing some of these things / reacting in some of these ways.  You may want to lovingly bring this to her attention in a gentle & non-threatening way.  She may still rebuff a bit, but, if you remain calm and patient it may help her to more readily receive what you’re saying.  If she’s not ready to deal with it, you may have to let the subject rest for a bit. But try to revisit and reiterate your love for her and your desire to see your relationship be the best it can be.  Remind her that you are a team and in this together for the long haul.

Educate yourself.  There are definitely many books and videos, etc. on this subject that can help you to better understand your woman and work proactively to make the relationship the best it can be on your side of things.  She will also have to be proactive to improve herself and help herself resolve certain issues.  Perhaps even couples’ counseling could be an option.  Don’t look at counseling as a ‘dig’ at your ability to fix everything yourself.  Instead, look at it more as a tool or a resource to aid you in reaching your goal:  which is to better understand your mate, and to help grow your relationship into the best it can be.  Just like on your job, if you do not understand how to accomplish a task or a process, you seek out information and resources to aid you in completing your project and in reaching your goals/projections.  The same principal applies in your relationship.  Find and use resources to help you obtain your set goals and to maintain your ‘numbers’, so to speak.

Another example is your vehicle.  Your car is your ‘baby’.  If she gets scratched or dented, you’re immediately concerned.  You want to rectify the situation quickly.  If she’s making a funny noise or if engine light is illuminated on your dashboard, or if a belt snaps, or a tire blows…you’re seeking out the mechanic ASAP.  Or if you’re mechanically inclined, you’re fixing the vehicle yourself, right away.  You also do regular maintenance on your vehicle to prevent future issues.  And you wash and wax her to keep her looking and smelling good.  So it is with your relationship.  Maintenance and repair are a regular necessity. No, it’s not all on you.  The woman must take equal responsibility for investing into the relationship.  But, ideally, it should be a team effort.  And this piece, hopefully, is a ‘light bulb’ or catalyst to ignite you in your own research on this subject and help you to better understand the wounded woman in your life, so that you can ‘go in’ with more knowledge under your belt and more compassion in your heart. I hope and pray that this will be a beginning to assisting you in your current relationship or in relationships to come.  It was my goal to shed a little bit of light on the subject. Happy researching and much success to you!

© KD Corner 2012 “Loving Wounded Women”