In a world that chooses to either vomit all details of their lives on social media or provide the “perfect image” so that the world can envy, I hope to be one of the less-loud, less-perfect and more vulnerable voices. I feel the world in general is consumed with public persona (yes I battle with it, too) versus sharing authentically.
In general, we present a face that we are comfortable with others seeing. And while it’s true that everyone doesn’t need to know everything about our lives, thoughts and feelings, there are times when sharing vulnerably and authentically can do greater good than keeping it to ourselves. That’s why I’m sharing my journey. I know that people who know me (or think they know me) will likely comment, telling me what I “need to do” or “the right way” to look at this, and it will come from a well intentioned place, but, I am not seeking advice. I’m seeking to share by being open about this topic.
I am tired of being single.
There, I said it. Now, don’t get all overly righteous or judgy on me. And don’t assume that I’ve hated my singleness. On the contrary, singleness is actually very freeing. I have no person to answer to for anything. No one to consider when I make plans. I just get up and go! I can hang out with whomever I want, whenever I want with no worries of checking in. Bonus: I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t want to, doggone it! There’s no one touching them -but me- anyhow. If and when I decide to shave them is my business.
I can keep my house and my bedroom as neat or as messy as I want to without having to think about anyone else’s preferences. I can buy food and cook for ONE. It’s freaking amazing! There’s no conflict to navigate or work through, because it’s only me. I do have offspring but they don’t count in this conversation (as I’m speaking on romantic relationships vs. singleness). I digress. I also have the freedom to try new ideas and reach for new goals without having to run them by a significant other nor be concerned with impacting said significant other.
So, if singleness is so amazing, why do I want to be in a relationship? Well, it gets lonely. Before you get started, yes, I know there are various options to remedy that loneliness, but, none of them interest me at this point. I’m not interested in hooking up. That’s not how I roll. To be frank, that’s never how I’ve operated. However, if that works for you, no judgments here. I’m just of the personality type that wants relationship. A committed, monogamous, healthy relationship with a godly man, to be exact. And that’s hard to find.
Games are so tired. Playboys of any age are so tired. But, the culture in which we currently live is one that caters to “having it your way” and “if you don’t like it, get another one”. There are plenty of people on the dating scene who want nothing more than a temporary fix. That’s what thrills them. However, finding someone who wants a serious relationship is a rarity.
The other problem is compatibility. You can get a group of people in a room who all want a “serious relationship” but that doesn’t mean that they will be compatible or even attracted to each other. Compatibility is the “X factor”.
I have lovely friends who will try to match-make. They ask me about someone we mutually know, telling me they seem “really nice” and they “like” me. My friends have good intentions, but, I am usually in no way attracted to nor interested in their suggested suitors on a romantic level. If I were interested, believe me, I would have made a move by now to test the waters. Attraction and compatibility cannot be predicted or reasoned or formulated (in my opinion).
This takes me to dating apps [insert eye roll here]. They largely suck. A small percentage of people have been fortunate enough to find their match using apps. I am not one of them. And I am not in the minority. Algorithms can only be so accurate, and we’re finding out some algorithms tend to reinforce existing bias. Not a good thing.
The only dates I’ve been on in recent years have been due to randomly meeting someone IN PERSON, not from an app. And these still were mostly one-off’s, lacking chemistry and/or compatibility once the conversation ensued. Or, they’d result in dating for a few weeks or months only to discover the Pandora’s Box of issues that were way beyond the “red flag” stage… they were more like the “run for your life” stage. Or, dudes who are flaky as hell. They don’t know what they want. They don’t know who they are. They give mixed signals galore and reveal themselves to be severely immature. Or, there are the ones who are really nice but just not a good fit.
[Side note: I’d like to formally complain about the lack of conversational skills in this day and age. “Hey wyd” is not a good opener. I am immediately turned off by your lack of vocabulary and lack of trying for a better conversation starter than that! Have something engaging, funny or intelligent to say. You don’t have to be a brainiac, but at least be interesting! And friendly! And does nobody CALL anyone anymore? Everything is text, text, text. I like to text as much as the next person, but, can you take the initiative to call somebody and have a real conversation? Or when I call you, don’t be weirded out!
Also, I think there should be a course taught on what to do if you face rejection. Because when compatibility is lacking, and one of the two people is not feeling the same connection, rejection inevitably occurs. And it hurts. But, many times there are people who get angry or defensive or unstable when the attraction is not mutual. I feel like there should be widespread teaching on healthy ways to deal with rejection, because it happens. It sucks, but, it’s part of life.]
So, back to the topic… I (and many of my friends) are left wading through the wasteland of options, waiting for something that looks remotely compatible, and intermittently trying dating only to be disappointed by the aforementioned examples and issues. What is the answer? No clue. No clue at all. But, I’d still like to find someone. I’m not the type to give up even though currently the pickings are super slim.
I’ll keep you posted… 🙂
©2019 I AM KAYDEE “Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship”
photo: meme / author unknown