Finding a Unicorn – Dating in your 30’s and Beyond

Let’s face it, dating these days is all kinds of strange. Whenever this topic comes up in discussion, I keep telling people that the culture has shifted.  It’s a “hook-up culture” encompassing all ages. Not many want a committed monogamous relationship anymore.  It’s sad.

I should have started by saying that I know a lot of women in their 30’s and beyond, who are phenomenal single women, myself included.  We have good jobs, some of us are amazing single moms, some of us are amazing non-moms, professional, gifted, stable, can hold an intelligent conversation, have varied interests, aren’t crazy, the list goes on.  The main things we have in common are how phenomenal we are, and our single status.  This is not for lack of trying.  Oh no.  We try.  We date.  And we come across insane amounts of foolishness in the process.  It’s hard out here in these proverbial streets.

It used to be when folks got to be of a certain age, they would want to “settle down”.  This has become an outdated notion to many.  Career comes first.  Or maybe they tried at love early on, and had a failed long-term relationship (with or without kids) and they’re not looking for another.  But, I submit to you that there are still plenty of us out here who would like to find a compatible life partner.  I know this post isn’t speaking to everybody, but, I’m just telling you what I know.

For me personally, add on top of this, wanting to find a guy who shares my faith.  Honey, it’s like trying to find a doggone unicorn.  You’d think, “Oh just find a guy in church.”  My answer… “Hahahahahahahaha….ha….ha….hahaha…HA!”  Unfortunately, many churches are geared only toward these 3 main ministries:  Married Couples, Children/Teens and YOUNG Singles.  That’s it.  Not middle aged or older singles.  Not divorced singles. Not widowed singles.  So there ya go.  And if by chance we do meet a church guy that we want to go out with, they have commitment issues too, or also just want to play games and waste time. We have stories, but, I will spare you them.

So, what to do?  Try dating sites/apps?  We try them.  Intermittently.  They suck.

I have unofficially decided that maybe it’s just U.S. culture and I need to leave the country? Can’t be sure of this, though.  I need to discuss more with my international friends.  Anyway, this a rant for rant’s sake.  I welcome Commiseration or Solutions only.  Blessings!

Kay Dee

©2019, I AM KAYDEE “Finding a Unicorn – Dating in your 30’s and Beyond”

God’s Painful Grace

There was a time when I believed God’s grace to be something that was always comforting, always miraculous, always a blissfully joyful thing to experience. And it IS all of those things, but not always. Yes, God’s grace has brought me to thankful tears. God’s grace has brought relief and happiness to my heart. God’s grace has overwhelmed me as a loving force that cannot quite be put into words, where I’ve simply felt waves of love washing over me.

But, recently, as I have reflected on some very pivotal moments in my life, I’ve come to also notice a pattern of what I’ll call “painful grace”. This often comes in the form of shattered dreams, a broken heart, a lost job and the like. And it’s not until you’ve come completely out of the situation and (significant) time has passed, and the heart is open for lessons to be gleaned from the experience, that you realize that it was God’s grace at work in those difficult moments also.

At the time, we can rarely see it as grace, because we’re in the throes of pain and disappointment. We’re grieving, lamenting, mourning. It’s difficult to see clearly when we’re in the middle of grappling with the “why” and “how” of our agonizing experiences. But, in hindsight, we can see God’s hand of grace in those very situations.

Later, after the fact, we see that God’s grace in our losing that job was that He was moving us out of our comfort zone, or perhaps removing us from a place with no growth opportunity, or maybe removing us from a toxic work environment so that we could move onto the next opportunity that He had for us. If we’d not have been ‘moved’ from that position, we might have remained in a place of stagnancy and/or missed out on the next chapter God had for us for career growth and change.

After the fact, we see that God’s grace in that failed relationship was Him moving us out of an unhealthy situation, or saving us from a lifetime commitment with a toxic person, or saving us from a situation were we’d have been ill-matched or not truly valued.  However, by His grace, He ‘moved’ us out of that situation so that we could be free to move into a place of self-growth and healing, and/or into a place of preparation for a better future relationship.

After the fact, we can see that God’s grace in that failed business or shattered dream was Him repositioning us. He was re-routing us to an even greater purpose and more fulfilling dream. That ‘failure’ caused us to rethink life, upgrade our perspective, and brainstorm a new, more innovative plan or idea than we would’ve thought of if we’d have not experienced that failure. I once heard Bishop TD Jakes saying something to the effect of – ‘what if our failures are really our gateways to the next phase of our purpose?!’ [paraphrased]

Ohhh, God’s painful grace! We do not readily embrace it. We fight it. We even hate it, because at the time it does not seem like grace… It only feels like pain. But, if our hand is in God’s hand, shouldn’t we trust Him to lead us through this process? To refine us? To grow us? Even if at times His grace is painful?

©2019 Life Together with Kay Dee, “God’s Painful Grace”

photo credit: morguefile.com

Why Do You Worry?

Why Do You Worry?

by Kay Dee

My mind often goes there… It spirals to that place of a million thoughts happening seemingly simultaneously. I tend to worry. I want to blame it on genetics. My mom worries a lot. I might be predisposed to it. But, it’s something I’ve had to learn to manage. When things are out of control in our lives, we tend to like to control as much as we can. For instance, if you’ve experienced trauma at a young age (or at any age really), one way to cope is to control as much as possible going forward so that you prevent yourself from experiencing further trauma. The only problem with that is that there is so much in this life that is outside of our control. And when we cannot control all of the variables of life, it tends to breed anxiousness.

One definition of anxiety is: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. [google]

I tend to get anxious about uncertain outcomes. I want to control the outcome so that it will be a pleasant or happy one. Why do I want happy outcomes? Who doesn’t? But, for me, it is likely because I experienced traumas as a child and as a young adult. These series of events affected me deeply and it took a lot of time to recover from them. Trying to control as much as I could was a safety net for me. It made me feel secure. It made me feel like I could determine how things would progress. Most importantly, it made me feel that I could protect myself from hurt. Unfortunately, it didn’t. Life happened anyway. I had to learn that being anxious for things that hadn’t happened or might not happen only succeeded in making me feel terrible. And I had to learn that there was no possible way to control all outcomes. It was better to learn to enjoy what life had/has to offer and to learn ways to manage my anxious feelings should they arise.

To be honest, it’s something I consistently work on. I don’t have all of the solutions. Different things work for different people. One of the things that helps me is using basic MINDFULNESS techniques. Another thing that helps is reminding myself of TRUE statements to replace/counteract the anxious or fearful statements that arise in my thinking. For me, prayer also helps. My faith is an integral part of who I am, and reminding myself of the truth of scripture and of God’s love helps me to refocus my thinking. During prayer, the statement that frequently comes to mind is “Why do you worry?”. It’s as if God is reminding me that He is in control and I needn’t worry. I have his guidance and peace to accompany me throughout my daily life. This helps.

For some folks, anxiety can be debilitating and more focused, professional treatment may be needed, including counseling/therapy, psychotherapy, medication. There is no shame in any of this. Life is stressful at times and depending on what we’ve been through, what we’re going through currently, and how we have learned to manage and cope with life stresses and events thus far, this will determine how we handle when difficult things arise. You may need more help at certain times than at others. That’s perfectly okay. Love yourself and do right by yourself. You’re the only you that you’ve got. Be kind to yourself and learn to recognize and address your needs. You’re worth it!

Blessings!

LISTEN TO MY PODCAST at anchor.fm/kay-dee7 for more encouragement!

Mindfulness Info HERE

©2018 Life Together with Kay Dee, “Why Do You Worry?”

Shake Yourself FREE

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You
Yes, you!
You’ve been lost.
You’ve been tangled in the maze of the familiar.
But now you must shake yourself FREE from folly, from indecision, from old patterns
that keep you on the hamster wheel running FAST…and going nowhere.

What must you do to be different? Better? Changed? Improved? Healed?
What must you do to permanently BREAK the chains that have bound you for so long?

You must begin to make better choices
And NOT allow yourself to be SEDUCED by the familiar.
Because the FAMILIAR is toxic, is dangerous, is distorted reality.
The familiar has kept you asleep…unconscious…brain dead for too long.

You must begin to see clearly
Even if the bright light of TRUTH hurts your eyes at first.
You will soon learn to adjust to walking in the LIGHT instead of the darkness.
You will learn to look beyond the surface in order to see the SOUL of a thing
Whereas before…you’d to been blind to it.

Somewhere along the line you fell for the LIE that you weren’t “good enough” for the best things in life because someone mistreated you…and made you feel like you were less than you really were.
And as a result, you made choices about life and love based on this lie.

But, no more!
It’s time to rise up!
It’s time to be free!
It’s time to walk in truth!
It’s time to fly high!
You’re worth it.

Begin.

©2016 Kay Dee Speaks, “Shake Yourself FREE”

Image from Google images via freedomworldwide

Build It Anyway

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There are times in life when you feel hopeless and helpless. You wonder if anything you’re doing is making a difference. You wonder if anything you’re saying is resonating with anyone. Does anyone care what you’re contributing? The truth is, people can be so fickle. They like you one day and don’t like you the next.

So how can you know if you’re impacting the world? Sometimes you don’t…until later. There are some people that you will touch in profound ways that you may never know about, this side of heaven. But if you’re passionate about your calling, then pursue it.

There’s a song by Martina McBride called,”Anyway
Let me share some of the lyrics with you:

You can spend your whole life building
Something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great!
But sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray
It doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway…

That’s life, people.
That’s life.
Because even if you do it and it doesn’t succeed the way YOU think it should, does that mean you should give up?  Does that mean you’re not impacting others?  Nope. You can’t possibly know who you’ve touched along the way. As a Christian, I believe that we will find out one day in eternity how many people’s lives we’ve touched. But, even if you don’t believe that, I know that everything we do has a ripple effect. Are your ripples inspiring our crippling others? Are your ripples encouraging or discouraging others? You want your ripples to have the maximum positive impact.

Keep on keeping on. Keep building that dream.  Don’t give up.  The great thing about this life is that we’re not relegated to only ONE dream per lifetime. We can have SEVERAL dreams. MULTIPLE dreams. Be encouraged!

Keep moving forward. Keep pressing toward your goals. If something doesn’t go right, yes, you can take some time to mourn the loss. But don’t quit. Keep plugging away. You don’t know how many folks you will positively impact.
It’s not in the number of “likes” you get on social media.
It’s in the number of lives you touch.

~K.D.

© 2014 KD Corner, “Build It Anyway”

Reset

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Review
Re-assess
Revamp
Remove
Re-prioritize

Reset.

There are times in our lives when things become cluttered… kind of like our garage or our basement or that one junk drawer or cabinet.  We accumulate things, feelings, attitudes, ways of doing things, habits, that may just be taking up extra space in our lives. There may be things that are not-so-healthy for us that we may need to cut out.  There may be other things we just need to scale back on. We may need to re-discipline ourselves to use our time and talents more wisely.  Perhaps there are people with whom we are attached, that at first may have been okay, but now, we realize ‘hey, this may not be the healthiest of situations’.  Or perhaps the season for which you’ve joined with that person/those people has passed or is now altered somehow.  Whatever the case may be, it’s always good to do a periodic reset.  Maybe it’s turning of your cell for a while, detoxing yourself from social media, or taking more time to sit / think / pray / meditate.  Maybe for you, it’s literally cleaning out the clutter in your home, car or office.  But, whatever you need to do and however you go about it, take time to do this for yourself.

It’s always good to make sure you re-assess where you are on a consistent basis (maybe just once a year, or more frequently if you feel the need).  When we re-assess and reset, things tend to become clearer, cleaner, less foggy.  Perhaps you may only need to readjust a few small things.  Or maybe you’ll need to do a major overhaul.  Whatever the case may be, when we clear out the clutter, we can better see what direction to take next… whether to continue on the same path, but, with clearer purpose…or to begin on a new path.

I hope & pray that as you seek to reset, that you will find clarity of purpose and vision.

Blessings.

© KD Corner / K.D. “Reset”

Photo credit: morguefile.com (Rcastillon)