Hi, my name is K. and I’m a worrywart. Not proud of it. I wonder if it’s genetic. My mom worries a lot. And yes, it’s easier to pin the blame on genetics. I don’t even know if it’s possible to pass on the tendency to worry. I do believe that worry can definitely can be a learned response. It can also be part of our individual make up…how our minds work. In any case, yes, I worry. I often feel guilty about it, being a Christian and all. God continuously admonishes us who believe, not to worry. Why? Because He has everything under control…even if it appears otherwise.
When did I realize I had a tendency to worry? Hmm… it had to be in my teens. I would worry about what to wear.. if it looked stupid, if people would laugh at me, if the guy(s) would like me, if I would say the right thing(s). That may be common to most teenagers. But, as I grew older and life happened, I realized that it was hard for me to not mull things over, and over, and over… you get the picture. I think that partially this is because trust is a hard thing for me. Like you, I’ve been disappointed a time or two. Mine were major disappointments that dealt with abandonment by people who were dearly loved and trusted. So, I remember deciding after the first major disappointment that I could trust no one. And so I didn’t. Everyone had their level or their limit – the amount which I decided to trust them. When they reached that limit, I would go no further.
This anti-trust attitude, unfortunately, carried over to my relationship with God. It’s hard for me to trust Him. After all, I can’t physically see Him. And I had felt like He’d let me down a time or two. Over the years, I’ve deepened in my faith and I’m deepenING in my level of trust toward God. Yes “-ING” (i.e. still in process). But, one thing I’ve learned about God for myself is that He is trustworthy. I can honestly say, He’s been there for me always. He’s never left. I’ve always felt His presence in my life. Even when I’ve screwed up royally, His love was there to envelop me.
The thing I think that is most challenging about my personality is that I like to be in control. Let me explain. I like to know everything that’s going on before it happens. Or at least I’d like an outline of how life is going to go. I’m a “details” person. Tell me step-by-step how this is going to go, so that I can be prepared for whatever life throws at me. And, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) that’s not how life works. It works quite the opposite most of the time. So, I’ve had to learn and am still learnING that no matter what happens – good, bad or indifferent, God is never leaving me. He’s with me in the midst of all phases of life. I’m not alone in this process. So, knowing that helps me to worry a little less and a little less as time goes by. Am I fully delivered from worry? Nope. But I am getting there. 🙂 Toodles! ♥