The Audacity to Love Yourself

I love myself.

This is a declaration I must make on a consistent basis.  For so long, I didn’t love myself.  I experienced some traumatic family situations when I was young.  These life events dramatically altered how I saw myself.  I thought something must be wrong with me, or else these things wouldn’t have happened. This is often how children process trauma.  No matter how many times my folks would tell me it wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was too late.   My brain already processed it as partially my fault. Without realizing it, I began to see myself as less-than-worthy.  I sought out attention as a teenager and young adult to try to “prove” to myself that I was good enough.  Relationship after relationship, trying to “make them see” how valuable I was.  I didn’t realize that I first had to learn to love ME in order to be whole enough to love others and to receive love in a healthy way.

Am I there yet?  Yes and no.  Yes, I do love myself and it’s taken so much work to get to the place where I could say it and mean it.  But, no, I’m not always good at it.  Some days I have to purposely declare it and purposely remind myself that I am worthy.

Faith Component:  For me, God is central to me loving myself.  He created me and loves me with a love so overwhelming that I cannot fully comprehend it.  And I experience God’s love in such tremendous and often unexpected ways, that I cannot deny it, nor would I want to.

Today, if you do not feel loved, or don’t love yourself, I want to remind you of how special you are. You are most certainly meant to be here.  You have purpose.  You are incredible.  I know sometimes days are not easy, but, please know that you matter.  Your existence is not pointless.  You have a lot to give, even if you cannot see it at the moment.  Know that I am at least one person, one voice here to remind you of your worthiness!  You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

If you feel you need more support than just reading a blog post, please visit my Resources Page to find extra help in the way of counseling or crisis support.  Sending oodles of love your way!

Blessings,

~ Kay Dee

©2019 I AM KAYDEE, “The Audacity to Love Yourself”

Photo credit: pixabay.com

Don’t Be Afraid

But Moses told the people, “Don’t be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch, and you will see the wonderful way the Lord will rescue  you today. The Egyptians you are looking at- you will never see them again. THE LORD WILL FIGHT FOR YOU, and you won’t need to lift a finger.” (from the Bible [‘The Book’ version], book of Exodus, chapter 14, verses 13-14)

I’m not launching into a Bible study. But, as I was reading this, it spoke to me. There are times when God lets us go through tough trials, yet He is there with us. But there are also times when God miraculously takes care of everything! He fights our battles FOR us. Woohoo! He orchestrates things in such a way that could only be explained by Him working on our behalf. He hears our prayers! He’s close to the broken-hearted. (Psalm 34:17-19)  He cares. And when He performs miracles, it’s an amazing thing to behold.

“But, I don’t even believe in God,” you may be saying. Hey, that’s okay. I’m not trying to make you. This is what I believe. I’ve experienced enough of God to know that He’s real. He loves me. He loves you. He’s amazing. He’s patient. Even if we’re ticked off at Him and choose to ignore him or if we just don’t believe in Him, none of that – and I mean none – decreases, nullifies or erases His love for us. His love is so enormous that it cannot be fully comprehended with our finite understanding. Yes, we’re highly intelligent beings. But even with our vast amounts of intelligence, we do not have infinite understanding. My opinion.

That being said, let me go back to my point – God will fight for you. Don’t be afraid. Keep your head up. Stay encouraged. He is mighty to save.

PS- Random side note: Speaking of Moses, you gotta love the “old-school” film of the Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston playing Moses and Yul Brynner playing Pharoah (love Yul Brynner!). Classic! (Charlton as Moses pictured above)

Toodles ♥

© “Don’t Be Afraid” KD Corner 2012

Insecurities / Not Good Enough

I’m going to be open and candid here. Just like in my prayer time, I find that the only time I really get anywhere in prayer with God is when I’m flat-out honest. So, here, through this medium, I am going to be honest because I hope it will help someone else. I think that we wear masks and put up facades because it’s easier.  It’s easier than being transparent…easier than being real. To be sure, the environment we may find ourselves in is not always conducive to transparency. Sometimes it’s not “safe”. But there are instances when it’s necessary and/or somehow you know it is the right place & time for you to be open. And I think it always takes bravery.

I oft-times struggle with not feeling like I’m good enough. I hate to admit that. No one ever really wants to admit that. But, even some of the most seemingly confident people we know struggle with insecurities. They just don’t show it outwardly.  I always wanted to be “perfect”.  Perfect to win my parents’ affections (though I knew they loved me); perfect to please my teachers; perfect in class so that I didn’t get the wrong answer and people wouldn’t laugh at me; perfect so that I would not be the butt of ‘ugly’ jokes; perfect so that I wouldn’t be singled out or picked on; perfect so that I could have some degree of popularity; perfect so that dudes would like me; and perfect…so that God would approve of me.

The last statement is the kicker. I wanted to be perfect so that God would love me and approve of me.  Oh, yes…I’ve since learned that God isn’t judgemental like people are. He doesn’t sit in the sky with a ‘people-swatter’ waiting for me to do one more dumb thing so that He can squash me like a bug. He most certainly does the opposite of hate me.  In fact, He loves me so intensely that I cannot comprehend such a love.  I’ve not experienced anything that comes close to it.

So, knowing the truth, why do I still sometimes struggle with insecurities? I don’t have the answer to that question. I’m certainly not asking anyone who reads this to figure it out for me. No, I recognize that I’m in a process.  God has me in a process of learning more and more about Himself; learning more and more about myself: realizing some erred beliefs that I hold about myself (and about Him); and learning more and more … perhaps I should say…absorbing or understanding more and more about just how vast, how complete, how perfect, how overwhelming, how awesome, how scary-big (in a good way), how AMAZING & Ginormous His love really is.  And there’s nothing I can do or say that can change that. No mistake/error/flub/mess-up/epic-fail can change His mind about how much He loves me.  His love never ends and never fails and never gives up on you.

Amen.

Toodles ♥

© “Not Good Enough” KD Corner 2012

Image courtesy of nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

C’mon Trust Me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Monday!

Let’s talk about TRUST today. Ooh, fun subject I know!  Wait, wait please keep reading. I know just the word “trust” strikes a negative chord with many people. Immediately there comes to mind that woman, man, friend, foe, coach, teacher, family member that was supposed to be trustworthy and they betrayed your trust. It brings a bitter taste to your mouth. Believe me, though I may not be able to relate with your specific situation, I do know what it’s like to have trust betrayed. We live in an imperfect world, full of imperfect people. When someone who we deem trustworthy betrays our trust, it’s a BIG deal! Scars are left. Walls go up. Hurt & wounded feelings remain and it can take years to heal, depending on the situation and our willingness to go through the healing process.

Mad at God

Bad experiences may negative impact on belief in or trust in God. Because our world is imperfect, when we experience the death of someone close to us or perhaps a situation we were praying about that did not turn out like we thought it should, we blame God and cannot trust Him. We feel He let us down. I don’t pretend to be a theologian and I most definitely do NOT hold all of the answers. I can only speak from my own experience. A couple of times, even as a Christian, I felt as though God totally failed me. I didn’t understand WHY those things happened and WHY He hadn’t answered my prayers and WHY didn’t He step in and save the day, and WHY bother having faith if bad things were going to happen anyway, etc. I had a lot of anger and a lot of questions. I still don’t know all of the answers, but, here are a few things I have learned and re-learned. (1) However you want to say it, we live in an imperfect/sinful/fallen world. And because people aren’t perfect (and unfortunately some people are twisted or have major issues) they choose to do bad things to other people. (2) I cannot control another person’s choices or behavior. Pray as I might that God would intervene and make that person do what’s right… God gave that person a free will, and they can decide to do the opposite of what is good or right, even if the right choice smacks them in the face time & time again. (3) For those of you who aren’t Christian, this may not hold much water, but, I’ll share it nonetheless: In the Bible, God never promises that we will not go through troubling times. In fact, He tells us the opposite. He promises that we WILL go through hard times, but that He will be there WITH us to help us through the difficult times.

I can attest to one particularly heart wrenching situation. I received some bad news about a medical situation. Right in the midst of receiving the news, the strangest and most powerful calm and peace came over me. When by all accounts I should’ve been freaking out, I was enveloped in peace. I had always read the scripture that the “Peace of God which surpasses our understanding, will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” But that was the first time I had truly experienced it. Was that situation automatically fixed? No. In fact, more troubling related incidences occurred afterward. I personally went through a time of anger, frustration, grief and questioning. But, through my lament, I remembered that peace and held on to the promise that one day I would come through this trying time. I did come through it. But it took quite a bit of time. I know that if God had not been there, not to mention supportive friends and family, I would not have come through the situation nearly as well, nor with my faith in tact.

Trusting People Again

Trust is a very difficult thing, especially when it’s been betrayed. And whether your trust issue is with a person or with God (or both), it takes time for trust to be built back up. That person who betrayed your trust will have to work hard to build it back up. They will have to be consistent and patient and understanding. The sad thing is that the person may choose NOT to build that trust again. But, that doesn’t mean that you should allow them to ruin forever your ability to trust anyone. Maybe you’re extremely guarded. Maybe you’re unable to trust right now, and that is okay. It takes time. But, there ARE trustworthy people out there. Just be careful not to equate trustworthiness with perfection…because there are NO perfect people. We all make mistakes. But, there are people, who are indeed good, quality people full of integrity who will exemplify their trustworthiness consistently. The thing that’s hardest to do after betrayal is trust again. Take baby steps. But don’t close yourself off completely from the idea of trusting anyone. You could be missing out on some really great friendships / relationships. If you’ve endured traumatic experiences, it may take a lot of time to heal and even some good quality counseling or support groups to help you work through what you’ve experienced. There is no shame in that. And, if you’ve been hurt by church people let me say that I am so, so sorry! All Christians and churches aren’t bad, I promise. Please remember not to let a few rotten eggs spoil your view of Christianity or church.

Forgiving God?

If you feel as though God has let you down, there’s no easy answer. For ourselves and our inner peace, we may have to go through the process of forgiving God. Yes, I said it.  For all of my Christian friends, yes, God is unfailing and without sin.  But, if we’ve felt let down or betrayed by him, we have to do a work in our own hearts and go through the process to forgive God for wherever we feel He’s let us down.  We have to cleanse our hearts of bitterness.  For everyone,  I’d say to pray sincerely (your prayers matter and God hears them) and read the Bible for yourself. God truly loves you, more than you can imagine. There ARE credible and reliable teachers of the Bible out there. There are radio and TV ministries as well…find the good ones. The more CORRECT teaching you can get about God and the Bible, the better your understanding will be. If you still decide that you hate God and will never trust Him or you just don’t care for Him very much. Okay. But I pray that one day you’ll come to know His immense, intense and unending love for you.

You are loved.
Toodles ♥

Just a few supporting scriptures: John 16:33 and Psalm 34:18 and Philippians 4:7

Image courtesy of  FreeDigitalPhotos.net