Walk Away From The Flames: Stop Burning Yourself

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Why is it that we as people tend to want what’s bad for us? Is it human nature? Is it sin nature? What is it? Whether it be relationships that we KNOW are absolutely destructive and unhealthy… Or environments that are toxic or overly tempting… Or whether it’s gorging ourselves on food that we know is bad for us and we’ll pay for it later…. Or wanting what is forbidden, what is not ours? What is it?

Remember in high school or college, there was that guy or that girl who was pretty good looking, smart, funny, charming… but wasn’t the “bad” boy or the “hot to trot” girl? What about them? Why do we tend to ignore those who could be potentially good, solid, stable people and instead lust for danger, adventure, the ‘high’? But, going for the forbidden is exciting, right?! It’s thrilling! It’s titillating! Now, to clarify, I’m not referring to going for your dreams or taking good risks to reach your goals. That is different. Here, I’m talking about unhealthy choices, about compromising in the wrong direction, about ‘selling your soul’, so to speak. I’m talking about potentially putting ourselves in harm’s way just for the thrill or just to get that ‘thing’ or that ‘person’ or that ‘high’ that we know deep down inside is no good for us.

Are we just thrill seeking? Or are we self-punishing? Is it that somewhere deep in our inmost being we feel we don’t deserve what is good and healthy and stable, etc.? Did something happen to us in our lives a loooong time ago or continuously throughout our lives that warped our perception of what is good vs. bad, healthy vs. unhealthy? Did someone once tell us that we were “less than” or “no good” and that we deserved bad things and we believed it? Were the messages subliminal? Were you somehow made to believe by life, by people, by circumstance that there is nothing you can do to deserve true happiness, so you might as well just ‘flip the bird’ at the world and live with reckless abandon, regardless of the consequences?

Or are you by all appearances happy, but, deep inside there is secretly a void? Yes, outwardly you’re well liked, you are successful in your career, you have a great family, but, secretly you’re hooked on prescription drugs or pain killers? Or nobody would suspect that hidden all around your house are bottles and vials of alcohol because you feel you cannot cope without it because it kills the numbs the unresolved pain you feel inside. Perhaps, although you’re married or committed to a great person, you’ve allowed yourself to be in ‘sabotage mode’ because somewhere along the line you were told “nothing good ever lasts”… so you go ahead and flirt with that coworker and flirting progresses to something more serious. You know it’s wrong, but, you keep telling yourself you don’t deserve happiness anyway. Maybe you’ve always gone after the “players” because they were good looking and exciting, yet you ignore ALL of the obvious signs that he/she is using and cheating on you with multiple people, because you want to be loved… But you went for the “player” because deep inside you didn’t feel like you deserved any better. After all, what ‘good’ happens in life? Or perhaps life has become so bad, that you seek your refuge in food. Food comforts. Food tastes good. Food doesn’t judge you. Food is always there. Food doesn’t disappoint you. But, as a result you pack on the pounds and before you realize it you’ve come to a place physically where you are no longer healthy… and you’re not quite sure how to get back.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? What prohibits us from desiring what is healthy and good? Or what drives us to self-sabotage mode or gets us off track?
Why do we keep ourselves in this cycle? If we keep getting burned, why do we keep going back to touch the flames?

I suspect there are varying reasons as there are varying solutions. But, my heartfelt plea to you if I’ve said something that has spoken to you is this:
YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE LOVEABLE. YOU DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY AND HAPPY. Stop punishing yourself. Get the help you need to get yourself on the right path. If you need professional help, get it! If the first professional person doesn’t ‘click’ with you, ask around and get GOOD recommendations to find another. But get the help. If this is just a matter of ‘waking up’ to realize where you are, I hope and pray that this small blog post could serve as that wake up call. Stop returning to what is harmful and start moving toward what is healthy. The trouble is that many times, these thought-patterns and behavior-patterns are so deeply ingrained in us that it will likely take some skilled professional counseling to help us rewire our thinking to get to a healthy state. And for addictions of any kind, most definitely professional help is needed and that is absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. Taking care of yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. Go for it! Get the help. And I hope that through your journey you come to the place that you will do what is healthy and good for you for your future.

God bless.

© 2014 KD Corner “Walk Away From the Flames: Stop Burning Yourself”

image from Google images

Compassion, Love and Survival

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Let me preface this by saying I am not familiar with  fantasy or sci-fi fiction, nor thrillers because they’re not my fiction of choice. Nor am I familiar the author who is featured in this piece.  However, I can say, that it was my pleasure to glean from this interview that I listened to featuring him and two of his biggest fans.  It really touched my heart.

Compassion, Love and Survival by K.D.

I was listening to a link that a friend posted yesterday on Facebook (thanks Chi-Chi) and the true story that was told of a 15-year-old boy who ran away to meet his idol. This teen was something of an outcast in school, the product of a divorced home, his mom was remarried and his step-dad was not the best person. So, he read fantasy/sci-fi/thriller type books to escape his reality.  One particular author (Piers Anthony) was his favorite. He read every drop of everything this man wrote. He identified with Piers and the works he created. He felt so disconnected from his own reality that, in his 15-year-old mind, he desired to create a new reality…one with Piers in it.

He proceeded to withdraw his savings from the bank, buy a plane ticket and flew to Florida, all in pursuit of his desired new life.  His mission was to find where Piers Anthony lived and hopefully be asked to live with him and his family. He sent a postcard to his mom telling her he had to leave for a while but not to worry, he’d be back in a year or so because he had to figure some things out.  Once in Florida he went through various steps to find Mr. Anthony’s house and he did find it.  Mr. Anthony, surprised at the intrusion,  invited him in, listened to this young man’s troubles, and allowed him to spend the night.  He advised the young man that he could not live with him, but, he could try to help him find either local help for runaways or help him return back home.  The young man chose the latter.  After returning home, things didn’t necessarily get any better. But, because he’d had this encounter with his favorite author and because he was listened to, it changed something inside of him. He endured and conquered his teen years and successfully entered adulthood.

From a mom’s perspective hearing this, I could totally empathize with the shock his mom must’ve felt, because I would absolutely, positively FREAK OUT (as any loving parent would) not knowing where my kid was. Once you become a parent, your life is not about you anymore. You care for  these new human beings selflessly, above your own needs and desires. You hope so much for them. You desire for them to be successful and happy and fulfilled. And you ALWAYS want them to be safe and to protect them from as much harm in the world as possible.  Thankfully, this child was unharmed in his journey and was able to find what he was looking for, at least in part.

During this interview, a call was arranged so that this now adult man could call Piers Anthony to thank him for the impact he’d made on him all of those years ago. Piers remembered the whole encounter and he said a few things that really stuck out to me.

1. Piers Anthony spoke of his own struggles as a teen in a posh private school (where there were “upper crust” and “lower crust” students). He was ‘lower crust’ by his own account. He, too, had troubles at home and didn’t fit in at school. He was made fun of and made to feel strange, not good enough, etc. As the interviewer said of the author, “He was just an angry kid who muddled through like everyone else.” Piers Anthony, too, turned to reading books to escape his reality.  He said, “People sneer at escapism. Well…there are those of us who need it [to survive]” (addition mine).  Specifically, to survive the TEEN YEARS, in my opinion.  Teen years are a very tumultuous time.  They are years where we’re trying to figure out who we are and what we should be. We’re trying to survive social pressures and attitudes. We’re trying to find where we fit in.  When you’re a ‘nerd’ or an ‘outcast’ or ‘invisible’ (i.e. not in the popular crowd), life in high school can be very, very difficult.  Add to that problems at home.  But, I submit to you that there are even those teens who are in the “popular crowd” who feel out-of-place due to insecurity and rejection and so forth.  They cover it up by the business of being ‘popular’ or ‘over the top’. If they put on an act of confidence, then people won’t see their insecurities or weaknesses.  The sad part is when they choose use their popularity to demean others who are less so.  Or when they soothe their own insecurities by making themselves look bigger or better, while making others look smaller or insignificant.

2. Piers Anthony gave the then 15-year-old kid this advice, “Keep your head down. Endure it and in a few years you can get out”, speaking of his stressful home life with his step-father.  This advice could very well have applied to his school experience as well.  It made me think of my children, who have their own challenges in relation to their academic experiences, the social aspects of school, etc.  But, also, my children have experienced the divorce of their parents. Not easy for any child. I, too, was the product of a divorced home.  I want to find a way to tell my children…things will get better…just keep pressing through.

3. This next statement meant the most to me. I could relate to it myself, for it validated some of my own feelings, and it gave me insight into what my teens (and teens in general) may be going through. It also gave me pause to think of the several adults I know who fit these descriptions – and gives me a bit more understanding and I daresay compassion for folks who may be somewhat abrasive.  Here is what Piers Anthony said in the author’s notes of his book Fractal Mode, “One thing you who had a secure or happy childhood should understand about those of us who did not…We who control our feelings , who avoid conflicts at all costs or seem to seek them, who are hypersensitive, compulsive, self-critical, workaholic, and above all survivors…We’re not that way from perversity and we cannot just ‘relax’ and ‘let it go’. We’ve learned to cope in ways you never had to.”

I have come to no solid conclusions after listening to this interview.  But, maybe that’s not necessary. I have, however, come away with compassion, insight and understanding.  Maybe you will also.  If you’d like to listen to the interview, see the link below.

Once this link opens to the webpage, click “launch player” to hear the interview:

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/470/show-me-the-way

You are loved ♥

© 2013 Compassion, Love and Survival – KD Corner/K.D.

photo credit: tenchinodojo.be

Only The Lonely

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Most people who deal with this don’t like to admit it, but they’re lonely.
There are a lot of lonely folks in this world. We don’t know the half of it.
We don’t know how many people lie awake at night, in their own private misery. We don’t see people behind closed doors when tears are streaming from their eyes, and their shoulders are heaving from heavy guttural sobs. We don’t see the person curled up under their covers, wishing something…anything could take away the loneliness that they feel. It’s a real feeling. Many times the very person you see who looks like they have it all together, or the person with a smile on their face, is the very same person who suffers from loneliness and maybe depression.

I’m not writing with the cure. I don’t think that there is a one-size-fits-all cure. But, I am writing to say that you are not alone. I am here and this wordpress community is here. I understand. I’m here to tell you to hold on. You’ll make it through this. But don’t try to do it by yourself. God loves you. You can pray to him.  Or you may only have 1 person in your life that cares, but, that’s 1 person that counts. Those people are a gift.  Some practical things you can do to stave off loneliness?  You might  try involving yourself in a recreational activity that you enjoy. Try to find joy in simple everyday things like, the smile of a friend, the sunshine, birds singing, a feel-good story on TV,  a good book or a favorite song. Try  projecting outwardly instead of shutting down inwardly by reaching out to help others (whether in the form of writing, volunteering, coaching sports, tutoring, etc.). And on the days when you need to cry, go ahead.

But, if your loneliness becomes too much for you to bear on your own, then there’s no shame in getting some outside help. Maybe see your doctor or a counselor. Sometimes a counselor can help guide us to the root of our feelings to help resolve them. Or sometimes there is something medically wrong that alters our moods and we don’t know if we don’t reach out to get that help from a physician. Never feel ashamed. If you are taking healthy steps to make sure you’re getting what you need to be your best, then you should feel proud of yourself.

Sending you a virtual hug & a song:
You are not alone – Michael Jackson

You are loved!

© 2013 “Only The Lonely” KD Corner / K.D.

Photo credit: youthvoices.net / google images

Come See A Man

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“Come see a man who told me everything I ever did….” – John 4:29a

Even in the midst of our mess, God talks to us.  We are not forgotten.
The story from which I took this quote, is a story where Christ asks a woman for water to drink – a woman who he wasn’t supposed to talk to, according to Jewish customs – and proceeds to reveal to her in a loving way, the mess in her life. Not to make her feel bad. But so He could help her change it for the better. Oh, there are so many points I could bring out with this passage. But, I’d like to concentrate on this…

God knows where we are.
He loves us anyway.
He comes to help us.

He knows our struggles, failures, ‘white lies’, big fat lies, compromises, lack of faith, when we turn away from him, etc.
But, if we come to God, he doesn’t leave us hanging. The answer may not be instantaneous, but it comes.
And it often comes at a time when we’re most likely to pay attention.

This has happened for me today.
I’ve been in a prolonged season/period of testing, trials, etc.
I’ve gone through the gamut of emotions, bargaining, reasoning, getting angry, rebelling, denial, etc.
Most recently, as I continued to go to church (at least once a week), and read my bible (though not every day), and pray (alllllll of the time…although I’m pretty sure that a lot of it was just complaining), God has really been kind to speak to me.

Last week I heard a message about the life of King David. The point was brought out that though the beginning of David’s pathway to kingship may have seemed obscure, pointless, and like a long winding road….God had a purpose for each place in his journey toward becoming King. It was THEN, God opened my understanding to realize that all I have been through and all that I’m enduring now has a purpose….an ultimate end…a reason bigger than myself.

I have finally begun to come to a place of “contentment”. The bible says “be content in whatever state you’re in” (Phil. 4:11). I was fighting this lesson tooth and nail. I’d already done the ‘contentment thing’. It was time for a change! Time for blessing! I had BIG DREAMS that needed to come true IMMEDIATELY! I had God-given dreams!  Enough is enough (I reasoned)! I was trying and praying and clawing and grasping and determined to MAKE the dreams happen. But, I was blocked every time. God would encourage me TO dream, but, I had my OWN agenda and way that I thought things should be going…especially at this point in life.
But then, He began to speak to me about contentment. FINALLY I’m beginning to receive it.

Then TODAY, I heard the ending of a radio program that addressed this very thing. Ohhhhh, how I needed it. This spoke DIRECTLY to me. God used this woman on the radio program and told me ‘everything I ever did’. In essence, He reached me right where I was (am).  It was perfect timing to really strengthen and undergird what God has recently been revealing to me and re-teaching me about life, timing, trials, contentment. I really needed to hear this because recently I’d begun to become disillusioned as I thought my life should be “better” by now.  My sins of impatience and forging ahead with my OWN plan (instead of flowing with God’s plan) were exposed.   And through this radio program, I gladly received the healing balm of the words being spoken. The message of love not only convicted me, but comforted me (to know I was not alone), and strengthened me (to know I’m on the right track, learning to be content and trust God in the midst of difficult situations, trust His ways & timing). God says His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9).  “In this world, you WILL have trouble. But TAKE HEART (that is, be encouraged!), I (Christ) have OVERCOME THE WORLD!” And if we trust in Him, we too, with Him, have also overcome. Remember this whole thing has a bigger purpose than you can imagine. ♥

Here is the link to the radio program I heard. PLEASE LISTEN AND BE BLESSED.
If you want to skip all of the beginning talk, to get to the ‘meat’ of the program, it starts at 6:25.
>> Interview with Dr. Lina Abujamra <<
The speaker / author is Dr. Lina Abujamra.
Her book is “Stripped: When God’s Call Turns from ‘YES’ to ‘Why Me?'”. Title…so apropos.

Be blessed and refreshed as with a drink of cool water in a parched and weary land! Love to all!

© 2013 “Come See A Man” by KD Corner / K.D.

Be Inspired, You Matter

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Hi WordPress Family!
I hope all of you have been well.
I began to write today after a stint of silence.
Today, I just wanted to let you know that you matter!
Don’t be tricked into thinking you don’t.

This started out with the intention of being a poem, that turned into a kind of random rambling writing.
But, still, I hope you enjoy!

You can only be you, not somebody else.
So don’t try to be anything but amazing you!
Yes, give ‘props’ to whom ‘props’ are due
But don’t let their looks, their light, their fame
Cast a shadow on your own success, your own dream
We all get intimidated from time to time
We see someone else soaking up all of the limelight
But, why do we let that affect our own personal ‘swag’?

True enough, in life, people seem to ‘have it all’
But we don’t know their back story
We don’t know what they’ve endured to get where they are
We don’t know what keeps them up at night
We don’t realize that they too have insecurities and problems
What’s bad is when people are arrogant, haughty, self-important
And try to berate or diminish others because of their own hidden insecurities
But, still, don’t let them get you down
Focus on your God-given talents. You have them

And do you know what?
They won’t look exactly like “his” or “hers” because they’re YOURS
You are not a clone of anyone else
Let your light shine, dear friend
Let your light shine
You have so much to give
Don’t belittle your own gifting
You may or may not receive fame or proper recognition always
But, look beyond that to the core of the matter
How you can bless and inspire others

There is SOMEONE watching you
Someone watching how you handle yourself
How you overcome adversity
How you persevere
How you treat others
How you act when you think no one is looking

So, let that light inside of you shine BRIGHTLY for the world to see
Let that light shine brighter than ALL of the taunting, laughter, jealousy, hatred
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and STRONG and SMART, no matter what they say.
Here’s what I want you to know…
Whether you’re considered a ‘classic beauty’ or ‘hot’ or not,
You have a unique beauty all your own
You have a voice that no one else has
You have a smile that no one can match
You have a tenacity that is uniquely yours
You have a joy that cannot be taken away
You have a way of making others feel welcomed, that is a rare gift
You have a way about you that is special
You have a talent that cannot be hidden
You have a dream that cannot be squashed

Free yourself from the prison of other people’s opinions
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but,
that doesn’t mean that you have to internalize it, if it tears you down
Speak truth to yourself
You matter

Whether you’re quietly bold, or more outgoing
Don’t wither, don’t cringe, don’t cower because of others.
You’re here for a reason.
There is something that you can do, that is uniquely you
No one else can do it quite like you
Embrace that
and…
Shine.
Shine.
SHINE!
You’re beautiful.

Ps-If you’re being bullied – GO TELL SOMEONE!
You’re too precious to lose.
The National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

Songs I like:

Need You Now – Plumb
Headphones – Britt Nicole
Gold – Britt Nicole
Still That Girl – Britt Nicole
I Need a Miracle – Third Day
High School – SuperChic[k]
Suddenly – SuperChic[k]
One and Lonely – SuperChic[k]
So Bright, Stand Up – SuperChic[k]

© 2013 KD Corner / K.D. “Be Inspired, You Matter”
Photo credit: morguefile.com / by Karpati Gabor

You Are NOT Forgotten

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I’ve been having a rough few days. What about you? Well, if you ‘feel me’ (understand / can relate), then this is for you. In the midst of my discouragement I really sensed as if God was impressing upon me the following:

-Don’t be discouraged
-Have faith!
-You are not forgotten

He brought back to mind a song by Israel Houghton:
I AM NOT FORGOTTEN
Picked me right up!
God is awesome like that.
He is a very present help in time of need.

So, with that being said, here is today’s poem. And at the end is the link for the song I mentioned.

You Are Not Forgotten- by K.D.

Bowed down
Crouched down
Burdened down
Looking down
Weighed down
By life’s trials and troubles and such
Feeling as if
Your body, you cannot straighten
Your burden, you can’t bear
Your weight, you cannot carry
Your gaze, you cannot lift
Crying out to God
For relief
Does he hear?
Does he care?
Deep within you know the answer
But it doesn’t relieve the pain of the moment
It doesn’t quell the cries radiating from your soul
And then
As if on cue
A ray of light
Shines on the ground
So that even in your hunched over state
You can see it
It reminds you that light does exist
And it dares lift your gaze to its source
You begin to look up toward the Light
It reminds you that
There is a sky
There are birds flying and chirping their melodies
There are trees waving in the breeze
There is life all around you
There are people around you
And You are not alone
What’s more
You are not forgotten
Even in your bent over condition
God met you there
He shone his light
In a place where you could see it
And reminded you
He is here
He has not forgotten you
Though your trials seem endless
They do have a resolution
Your labor is not in vain
Your faith is not in vain
Your hope has a purpose
Your dreams are not dead
Your prayers have not fallen on deaf ears
You are loved beyond measure
You are going to make it through this to the other side
And when you do
Remember to praise God
Remember to pay it forward
Your trials are not for you alone
They are for you to reach back your hand and
Help others forward
Amen

Video Link – I Am Not Forgotten – by Isreal & New Breed  It’s upbeat – so get ready to dance along 🙂

© 2013 KD Corner – “You Are Not Forgotten” Blog / Poem

photo credit: morguefile.com “mantasmagorical”

Loving Wounded Women

I think John Mayer’s song Daughters encapsulates it best:

I know a girl
She puts the colors inside of my world
But she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change

And I’ve done all I can
To stand on the steps with my heart in my hand
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers that turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too.

What prompted me to write this essay? To help people who are:

  1. Dating or attempting to date a ‘wounded’ woman
  2. Married to a ‘wounded’ woman

DISCLAIMER:  I am not a therapist, expert, licensed counselor or the like.  I have no formal education on this subject.  I have, however, experienced to some degree what I am about to share and would like to give information and insight from my own perspective and the perspectives of those who have shared with me over the years.   The symptoms, experiences, etc. are not all-inclusive, but, instead represent a sampling of possible issues.  Lastly, though I recognize these issues can apply to men as well as women, for the purpose of this piece, I will concentrate on the state of being ‘wounded’ as it relates to women. Origins of the Wounds The origin of a woman’s wounds could come from many different sources (too numerous to mention).  For the purpose of this piece I would like to concentrate on two particular sources: (1) Father Wounds  (2) Ex-Relationship Wounds (marital or dating) Father wounds Father wounds are, as the title suggests, wounds inflicted intentionally or unintentionally by the biological father or father figure in the woman’s life.  There are many but I will briefly cover six (6) possible sources:

  1. Neglect – Perhaps the father did not pay much attention to his daughter for whatever reason.
  2. Rejection – This could come in the form of feeling rejected from her parents’ divorce; feeling rejected because perhaps dad wanted a son and instead got a daughter;  feeling rejected due to a step-father situation where the step-father did not make an effort to develop a relationship with step-daughter; rejection because dad physically left her life forever; etc.
  3. Abandonment – Again, divorce brings on this feeling.  Dad is supposed to be protector and cover his family. If he leaves due to divorce or other reasons, the child can feel abandoned, even if care is taken to make sure the child knows it’s not her fault. Dad’s absence from the family unit is traumatizing. Also, if dad decides to completely leave the family and never keep in touch this will cause a feeling of abandonment.
  4. Abuse – This can include emotional (manipulation, control, berating/abusive speech), physical or sexual.  Trust is broken from someone who is supposed to protect, and they breached and destroyed trust by selfish and disgusting behavior.
  5. Addiction – If the father suffered from an addiction such as drugs, alcohol or other, this could have many negative effects on the daughter including those mentioned above (rejection, abuse, abandonment, etc.).  Perhaps because of his addiction, the daughter had to take on more of an adult or parental role in the household prematurely because the addicted parent was not able to behave in a responsible adult fashion.
  6. Death – Perhaps the dad passed away prematurely and the daughter had limited or no time with her father, which could’ve possibly lead to any of the above symptoms.

Ex-Relationship Wounds (marital or dating) Many of the same ‘rules’ apply regarding Father Wounds & may be interrelated.

  1. Neglect – Perhaps the spouse or boyfriend neglected her on a consistent basis.
  2. Rejection – Perhaps occurs due to neglect or abuse of some kind. Rejection of who she is as a person.
  3. Abandonment – Perhaps the spouse or boyfriend completely left the relationship (divorce or break-up) without warning, or without trying to work on it, etc.  Often, the husband/boyfriend leaves her for another woman and/or leaves her a single mom fending for herself.
  4. Betrayal – The spouse or boyfriend breached trust in the relationship due to an affair (or series of affairs); Financial irresponsibility or creating large amounts of debt without the wife/girlfriend’s knowledge – wreaking havoc on the finances, etc.
  5. Abuse – Whether emotional (manipulating, controlling, berating/abusive language), physical or sexual.
  6. Addiction – Perhaps the spouse or boyfriend battled an addiction and it destroyed the relationship and had residual effects on woman.
  7. Death – Spouse or boyfriend passes away suddenly and without warning and woman is left trying to cope.

Effects of Wounds If a woman has experienced any of these wounds they may take on different side effects in her life.  In her attempts to cope or ‘normalize’ her life or ‘ignore’/push away the bad memories, some of the following may manifest:

  1. Promiscuity – particularly when a woman has suffered abuse of some kind and/or abandonment, she may cope in a way where she feels like SHE is going to control what happens to her and SHE will be the aggressor.  She secretly may not feel like she’s worthy of a good relationship.
  2. Withdrawing from life – Often, as a coping mechanism, some women will just politely withdraw from life.  Yes, they’ll go about their normal daily routines but they will largely shut themselves off from forging new friendships or relationships. They’ll stay in their own bubble of a world and will not let others in easily, if at all.
  3. Sabotage – Because of all she’s endured, she doubts her worth and therefore if anyone gets too close, she either knowingly or unknowingly does something that sabotages any growth in the relationship, particularly if it is getting “too close” or more intimate.  Possibility of intimacy or a serious relationship causes fear of further rejection, etc. She shuts the relationship down to protect herself from having to potentially experience hurt EVEN IF the guy is a genuinely good guy.
  4. Does Not Trust (Easily / At All) – When a woman is deeply wounded, as a defense and/or coping mechanism, her guard goes UP.  Think of this guard as a 5-foot-thick, 10-foot-tall concrete enclosure.  Nothing’s getting in…and nothing’s getting out, barring demolition equipment.  Why is it so difficult for trust to happen, even with a really good man who has the best intentions? Because her trust has been completely violated and utterly demolished.  It will take time and LOTS of patience and understanding for a man to penetrate this wall and/or for her to begin to let it down.  If you’re not a patient person, this may not be the job for you.  RECOGNIZE just like the song I quoted at the beginning of this piece, that her inability or apprehension to trust you has really “got nothing to do with you”.  As for her, it’s up to her to take the initiative to work on herself as well, and to get some quality professional counseling as well, if necessary, to begin to work through her ‘demons’ and get to a healthy place again where she CAN begin to trust.  Be patient with her because this will take TIME and consistent work. But also help her to want to help herself in this area. Be in her corner and cheer her on.
  5. Workaholic – She may use work and her career as a reason to ignore or block out any possibilities of intimacy (a deep, meaningful relationship).  She may be wildly successful professionally, but, severely lacking in relationships of any significance.  The schmooze, she can do.  Forging close friendships and relationships, she avoids like the plague because they make her uncomfortable.  They force her to have to be vulnerable, to open up that place that once was so deeply wounded.  She may feel as though she cannot risk being wounded again, so, it is difficult for her to consider opening up for even the possibility of sharing her heart.
  6. Non-Committal – This is intertwined with some of the above-mentioned effects.  She’s a casual dater.  She’ll go from one guy to the next, not letting anything get too far before she breaks it off.  This is similar to #3 (Sabotage).  This non-committal attitude may carry over into other areas of her life as well.
  7. Jealousy – If the woman has been continuously cheated on in previous relationships and made to feel as if she was second best, or not as good as “girl number two”, the result is often overwhelming and unfounded jealousy in future relationships.  She has no reference for a TRULY GOOD and honest relationship.  Everything she may have experienced to this point may have been low-life guys who always sought out opportunities to be unfaithful and to make her feel second rate.  She will have to take steps to heal from this & work through her own thoughts and reactions in subsequent relationship(s).  But, if you are her spouse or boyfriend and are a truly good guy who would never cheat on her…if she’s the love of your life…be lovingly patient and reassuring.  Know that it’s not really you that she’s reacting to, as much as flashbacks of past incidences that may remind her of something or someone that brought harm to her previous relationship.  Also, take stock of your own actions.  Maybe you’re just an overly friendly guy who calls everyone “honey” and chats it up with everyone and their mother.  But, maybe she feels threatened by this and she’ll need your reassurance, and perhaps tweaking your friendliness just a tad to help her to feel comfortable.

What Is The Solution? That is a loaded question.  There is not a one-size-fits-all solution to loving your wounded woman.  I think that one of the key factors in any relationship is that both people have to continually want to work on the relationship and on themselves to make/keep the relationship better/healthy. Perhaps your woman does not realize she’s doing some of these things / reacting in some of these ways.  You may want to lovingly bring this to her attention in a gentle & non-threatening way.  She may still rebuff a bit, but, if you remain calm and patient it may help her to more readily receive what you’re saying.  If she’s not ready to deal with it, you may have to let the subject rest for a bit. But try to revisit and reiterate your love for her and your desire to see your relationship be the best it can be.  Remind her that you are a team and in this together for the long haul.

Educate yourself.  There are definitely many books and videos, etc. on this subject that can help you to better understand your woman and work proactively to make the relationship the best it can be on your side of things.  She will also have to be proactive to improve herself and help herself resolve certain issues.  Perhaps even couples’ counseling could be an option.  Don’t look at counseling as a ‘dig’ at your ability to fix everything yourself.  Instead, look at it more as a tool or a resource to aid you in reaching your goal:  which is to better understand your mate, and to help grow your relationship into the best it can be.  Just like on your job, if you do not understand how to accomplish a task or a process, you seek out information and resources to aid you in completing your project and in reaching your goals/projections.  The same principal applies in your relationship.  Find and use resources to help you obtain your set goals and to maintain your ‘numbers’, so to speak.

Another example is your vehicle.  Your car is your ‘baby’.  If she gets scratched or dented, you’re immediately concerned.  You want to rectify the situation quickly.  If she’s making a funny noise or if engine light is illuminated on your dashboard, or if a belt snaps, or a tire blows…you’re seeking out the mechanic ASAP.  Or if you’re mechanically inclined, you’re fixing the vehicle yourself, right away.  You also do regular maintenance on your vehicle to prevent future issues.  And you wash and wax her to keep her looking and smelling good.  So it is with your relationship.  Maintenance and repair are a regular necessity. No, it’s not all on you.  The woman must take equal responsibility for investing into the relationship.  But, ideally, it should be a team effort.  And this piece, hopefully, is a ‘light bulb’ or catalyst to ignite you in your own research on this subject and help you to better understand the wounded woman in your life, so that you can ‘go in’ with more knowledge under your belt and more compassion in your heart. I hope and pray that this will be a beginning to assisting you in your current relationship or in relationships to come.  It was my goal to shed a little bit of light on the subject. Happy researching and much success to you!

© KD Corner 2012 “Loving Wounded Women”