I’m going to be open and candid here. Just like in my prayer time, I find that the only time I really get anywhere in prayer with God is when I’m flat-out honest. So, here, through this medium, I am going to be honest because I hope it will help someone else. I think that we wear masks and put up facades because it’s easier. It’s easier than being transparent…easier than being real. To be sure, the environment we may find ourselves in is not always conducive to transparency. Sometimes it’s not “safe”. But there are instances when it’s necessary and/or somehow you know it is the right place & time for you to be open. And I think it always takes bravery.
I oft-times struggle with not feeling like I’m good enough. I hate to admit that. No one ever really wants to admit that. But, even some of the most seemingly confident people we know struggle with insecurities. They just don’t show it outwardly. I always wanted to be “perfect”. Perfect to win my parents’ affections (though I knew they loved me); perfect to please my teachers; perfect in class so that I didn’t get the wrong answer and people wouldn’t laugh at me; perfect so that I would not be the butt of ‘ugly’ jokes; perfect so that I wouldn’t be singled out or picked on; perfect so that I could have some degree of popularity; perfect so that dudes would like me; and perfect…so that God would approve of me.
The last statement is the kicker. I wanted to be perfect so that God would love me and approve of me. Oh, yes…I’ve since learned that God isn’t judgemental like people are. He doesn’t sit in the sky with a ‘people-swatter’ waiting for me to do one more dumb thing so that He can squash me like a bug. He most certainly does the opposite of hate me. In fact, He loves me so intensely that I cannot comprehend such a love. I’ve not experienced anything that comes close to it.
So, knowing the truth, why do I still sometimes struggle with insecurities? I don’t have the answer to that question. I’m certainly not asking anyone who reads this to figure it out for me. No, I recognize that I’m in a process. God has me in a process of learning more and more about Himself; learning more and more about myself: realizing some erred beliefs that I hold about myself (and about Him); and learning more and more … perhaps I should say…absorbing or understanding more and more about just how vast, how complete, how perfect, how overwhelming, how awesome, how scary-big (in a good way), how AMAZING & Ginormous His love really is. And there’s nothing I can do or say that can change that. No mistake/error/flub/mess-up/epic-fail can change His mind about how much He loves me. His love never ends and never fails and never gives up on you.
© “Not Good Enough” KD Corner 2012
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