Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

I have been noticeably absent from my normal social circles since the pandemic hit. The pandemic, for me, has been both devastating and kind of…good. Devastating because I lost my father to COVID. It was swift and crushing. It didn’t give us time to think or process the aspect of losing him. Within a span of days, he was just…gone. We were left reeling with the aftershock of his passing and the void that was left.

It’s been only 6 months since he’s passed. While I no longer feel devastation, there remains a sense of loss. Mostly when I think of him these days it’s with a twinge of sadness, coupled with the warmth of whichever good memory is randomly unearthed from the recesses of my mind. I still cry sometimes, but more so because of missing him and less so because of the weight of sadness, if that makes sense.

I’d say the pandemic has been “good” not because any pandemic is good. No. Rather, working from home and self-distancing drew me further into my own bubble. And in this bubble I had quiet. A break from the normal hustle and bustle. A break from people (except for some family). A break from having to be and feel “on” all of the time. A break from socializing. Although I have missed my friends, I have needed the break.

The quiet and near isolation turned out to be a good thing for me. It firstly allowed me to BREATHE. It allowed me to just BE, without any expectations from others (again, with the exception of some family). I could just think my own thoughts and decompress from the pressures and stresses of pre-pandemic life. This was a huge relief to my person (my mind, body, soul, spirit).

Secondly, it caused me to be able to face by own issues. I had the time and space to just be able to explore inwardly. We all have our own “ish” to deal with, right? This time gave me the freedom do deal with mine. A lot of healing took place. A lot of things I’d buried deep within began to surface, so that I could deal with them, reckon with them, wrestle with them and finally release them. I was able to come to a place of peace with a lot of things that I’d long needed to address.

Thirdly, it gave me clarity. Once I was able to come to peace about a lot of things, I was then able to see more clearly. Clarity of purpose is a gift. I did a lotttt of praying during this past year (and don’t plan to stop) and God just showed me a lot of things (and is still showing me). I feel more centered than I used to and I’m thankful.

When will I resurface? I know a few friends have been checking on me, worried about me, wondering about me, etc. Thanks for the loving concern. Trust me, I’m fine. I’m just handling my business, taking care of me. I’ll keep you updated.

Much love,

Kay Dee

©2021 I AM KAYDEE | “Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?”

When Buried Things Resurface

dig shovel

When buried things suddenly resurface —
On the way into work today I was listening to the radio. A song came on by a particular artist, and something inside twinged. I said to myself, ‘I don’t like this group’ and I turned the station. Then, I thought to myself, ‘why don’t I like them?’. As I reflected, it came to me that I didn’t like them because they’re associated with a negative memory from years ago. Several years ago, I was staying with a friend because I was in a tight spot and needed somewhere for myself and my family to stay temporarily. That time was a mixture of blessings and of negative memories as well.

It was a blessing because my friend opened her home to us in a time of need. Not everyone will do that for you. But, it was negative because sometimes whether the friend & her family meant to or not, they could be condescending, a bit superior in attitude, and offended by just about everything. Without realizing it, I began to hold a grudge. Well it was THIS family who liked that certain musical artist and they’d play certain songs all of the time. Somewhere along the way, associated that particular musical artist they loved, with those negative experiences/feelings. It’s funny how some things we do are subconscious. So what do we do about it?

Well….You can choose to do nothing. Just ‘ignore’ it, continue to repress it and let the feeling fester under the surface and permanently reside in your heart. But, it doesn’t do you any good to keep negativity in your heart. It eats you up slowly.

You can forgive. Yeah, but that’s probably not what you feel like doing. After all, the person who wronged you doesn’t deserve forgiveness, right? That may be true. But none of us necessarily ‘deserve’ forgiveness when we do something wrong or offensive. I’m learning that forgiveness is more about us than the other person. The other person may not deserve it. But, our hearts won’t be free until we let it go. Forgiveness is not saying that what the person did was alright. Not at all. It’s not saying that you now have to be “best buddies”, because proper and healthy boundaries may still be necessary. But, it is saying, “I’m letting go of your offense. I’m not giving it power to make me angry or negative anymore. I’m letting it go.” In essence, you’re wiping them off of your vendetta list, or removing the black dot next to their name. You’re forgiving them their offenses against you…for your own peace. Sometimes this may involve going to the person and telling them you forgive them. But, most times, it’s something we need to do within our own hearts and minds, for us alone.

God offered us his forgiveness through Christ’s death on the cross.  With his help, we can also forgive.

©KD / KDCorner 2014 “When Buried Things Resurface”

Photo Credit: morguefile.com (jpkwitter)