Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship

In a world that chooses to either vomit all details of their lives on social media or provide the “perfect image” so that the world can envy, I hope to be one of the less-loud, less-perfect and more vulnerable voices.  I feel the world in general is consumed with public persona (yes I battle with it, too) versus sharing authentically.

In general, we present a face that we are comfortable with others seeing.  And while it’s true that everyone doesn’t need to know everything about our lives, thoughts and feelings,  there are times when sharing vulnerably and authentically can do greater good than keeping it to ourselves.  That’s why I’m sharing my journey.   I know that people who know me (or think they know me) will likely comment, telling me what I “need to do” or “the right way” to look at this, and it will come from a well intentioned place, but, I am not seeking advice.  I’m seeking to share by being open about this topic.

I am tired of being single.

There, I said it.  Now, don’t get all overly righteous or judgy on me.  And don’t assume that I’ve hated my singleness.  On the contrary, singleness is actually very freeing.  I have no person to answer to for anything.  No one to consider when I make plans.  I just get up and go!  I can hang out with whomever I want, whenever I want with no worries of checking in.  Bonus: I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t want to, doggone it!  There’s no one touching them -but me- anyhow. If and when I decide to shave them is my business. 

I can keep my house and my bedroom as neat or as messy as I want to without having to think about anyone else’s preferences.  I can buy food and cook for ONE.  It’s freaking amazing!  There’s no conflict to navigate or work through, because it’s only me.  I do have offspring but they don’t count in this conversation (as I’m speaking on romantic relationships vs. singleness).  I digress. I also have the freedom to try new ideas and reach for new goals without having to run them by a significant other nor be concerned with impacting said significant other.

So, if singleness is so amazing, why do I want to be in a relationship?  Well, it gets lonely.  Before you get started, yes, I know there are various options to remedy that loneliness, but, none of them interest me at this point.  I’m not interested in hooking up.  That’s not how I roll.  To be frank, that’s never how I’ve operated.  However, if that works for you, no judgments here.  I’m just of the personality type that wants relationship.  A committed, monogamous, healthy relationship with a godly man, to be exact.  And that’s hard to find.

Games are so tired.  Playboys of any age are so tired.  But, the culture in which we currently live is one that caters to “having it your way” and “if you don’t like it, get another one”.   There are plenty of people on the dating scene who want nothing more than a temporary fix.  That’s what thrills them.  However, finding someone who wants a serious relationship is a rarity.

The other problem is compatibility.  You can get a group of people in a room who all want a “serious relationship” but that doesn’t mean that they will be compatible or even attracted to each other.  Compatibility is the “X factor”.

I have lovely friends who will try to match-make.  They ask me about someone we mutually know, telling me they seem “really nice” and they “like” me.  My friends have good intentions, but, I am usually in no way attracted to nor interested in their suggested suitors on a romantic level. If I were interested, believe me, I would have made a move by now to test the waters.  Attraction and compatibility cannot be predicted or reasoned or formulated (in my opinion).

This takes me to dating apps [insert eye roll here].  They largely suck.  A small percentage of people have been fortunate enough to find their match using apps.  I am not one of them.  And I am not in the minority. Algorithms can only be so accurate, and we’re finding out some algorithms tend to reinforce existing bias.  Not a good thing.

The only dates I’ve been on in recent years have been due to randomly meeting someone IN PERSON, not from an app.  And these still were mostly one-off’s, lacking chemistry and/or compatibility once the conversation ensued.  Or, they’d result in dating for a few weeks or months only to discover the Pandora’s Box of issues that were way beyond the “red flag” stage… they were more like the “run for your life” stage. Or, dudes who are flaky as hell.  They don’t know what they want.  They don’t know who they are.  They give mixed signals galore and reveal themselves to be severely immature. Or, there are the ones who are really nice but just not a good fit.

[Side note:  I’d like to formally complain about the lack of conversational skills in this day and age.  “Hey wyd” is not a good opener.  I am immediately turned off by your lack of vocabulary and lack of trying for a better conversation starter than that!  Have something engaging, funny or intelligent to say.  You don’t have to be a brainiac, but at least be interesting!  And friendly!   And does nobody CALL anyone anymore?  Everything is text, text, text.  I like to text as much as the next person, but, can you take the initiative to call somebody and have a real conversation?  Or when I call you, don’t be weirded out!

Also, I think there should be a course taught on what to do if you face rejection.  Because when compatibility is lacking, and one of the two people is not feeling the same connection, rejection inevitably occurs.  And it hurts.  But, many times there are people who get angry or defensive or unstable when the attraction is not mutual.  I feel like there should be widespread teaching on healthy ways to deal with rejection, because it happens.  It sucks, but, it’s part of life.]

So, back to the topic…  I (and many of my friends) are left wading through the wasteland of options, waiting for something that looks remotely compatible, and intermittently trying dating only to be disappointed by the aforementioned examples and issues.  What is the answer?  No clue.  No clue at all.  But, I’d still like to find someone.  I’m not the type to give up even though currently the pickings are super slim.

I’ll keep you posted… 🙂

Kay Dee

©2019 I AM KAYDEE “Single Woman Seeks Serious Relationship”

photo:  meme / author unknown

When Healing Takes Longer Than Expected

Waking up on a Sunday morning, my mind is full of EVERYTHING including the weird but persistent dreams I had last night.  One of the subjects of my dream was a former love interest … perhaps the phrase ‘love interest’ is not completely accurate.  He was a former potential love interest… there, that’s better.  I had to qualify it. Though I have moved on with life as normal, and time has passed, this particular person has been particularly hard to just ‘get over’.

To be fair, I rarely just ‘get over’ anything. I’m a person of process. It takes me time to work/think things through.  I am also a person who feels deeply, cares deeply and loves deeply.  However, due to prior life situations, disappointments and hurts,  I have learned over the years to temper my feelings.  I try not to allow myself to invest so quickly in anyone because, unfortunately, there are a fair amount of people in this world who will take advantage of (abuse/misuse) a loving heart.  So, I have learned to hold back.  I’ve learned to be watchful, wise and careful.  I’ve learned to see signs of those who would try to use me for their own selfish desires instead of caring for my heart.  There have been one or two who have slipped through the cracks of the security filters I have put in place, but, for the most part my system has served me well and protected me from harm.

However, this one person was not like that.  He was unlike most I had encountered in that we ‘vibed’ intellectually, culturally and conversationally.  He was/is a gentleman. (Why is that so freaking rare these days? I digress). We had similar senses of humor.  We seemed to understand one another well.  And he was/is a very kind and genuine individual.  However, we were at two different places in life and therefore reaching for two distinctly different outcomes.  It ended amicably.  However, I hadn’t realized how much I had allowed myself to hope in this situation.  I hadn’t realized that my heart had begun to become attached, to feel, to care….until it was over.  No one knew of my pain and disappointment, save a few close and trusted friends.  And at a certain point, I even stopped talking to my friends about it because I felt like I was grieving over it for too long.

Being single at this stage in life is particularly challenging.  I’m divorced and a single mom of teens and young adults.  Put on top of that being a Christian woman of deep faith and high standards.  Finding a quality man is not easy anyway, but, it’s especially not easy when you want to find a good, godly, stand-up individual who you actually gel well with.  This particular person met some of those key characteristics and thus, made him appealing.  A cut above the rest.  This was new for me.  The majority of prior prospects… hmm… okay ‘prospects’ is too strong a word.  The majority of prior ‘suitors’?  Nah, let’s just say the majority of prior dudes who’ve tried to talk to me have been only interested in something very shallow, which was always met by me with a polite “no thanks” in some form or another.

So, when you actually find someone that is fitting some of those key things you seek, your inner hope alarm goes off, “Ding, ding ding! We have encountered a potential candidate here!”  Problem is, I got ahead of myself in a major way.  I thought I was being careful and cautious (and I was, outwardly), but internally, I was riding the wave of excitement at having met someone who seemed pretty compatible.  I was leading with emotions instead of wisdom and patience.  However, soon enough, the differences in other key areas began to surface and it became evident to both of us that it was best to part ways as friends. Still, it wasn’t easy.  However, it was done respectfully and peaceably, for which I am thankful.

So what have I learned through this healing process?  I always say if you learn something then you haven’t truly lost.  As I look back on this particular situation with this person, I see places where I should have been more careful with managing my feelings.  I should have paid closer attention to particular conversations where clear messages were being expressed.  I also see places where I compromised within myself where I should not have. I also was gifted with the following gems: I learned that there are good men in this world who are kind, supportive, funny and who will like you just as you are.  I learned that two good people may not be ideal for each other (for whatever reason) and that that is completely okay.  So, you see I’ve learned plenty.  I am thankful that even though the healing process has been slow, at least it has been actually progressing / moving forward and I can really see how far I have come.

For those of you who are secretly trying to figure out who this was and when it happened…that is not important.  Suffice it to say it was in the past.  But, I wanted to share my experience in hopes of being a blessing to someone else.  Much love, much peace.

Kay Dee

What I’ve Learned From Failed Relationships: The Good, The Bad and The Beautiful

What I’ve Learned From Failed Relationships: The Good, The Bad and The Beautiful

by Kay Dee

Where to start? Let’s see… I’ll start with the fact that I’m old enough to have teens and young adult children, I am divorced, and remain single. Not for lack of trying. I’ve been trying to find someone special, but, he has not yet come into my orbit. Actually, when I say “trying”, I mean looking, pouting, hoping, wishing, wanting, attempting, being disappointed, being utterly frustrated, looking, hoping, trying again…. You get the picture. I feel as though my post-divorce single journey has been a roller coaster ride. Not as hairy or crazy as my marriage was, but, not without great highs and stomach dropping lows.

Many times I have wondered if something was wrong with me. I would compare myself to my friends who had also been divorced but found love again fairly quickly.  I’d also compare myself to other single friends who eventually found a great love connection. Not a fair comparison, I know.  I’ve been in the “singles club” for a while. And if you’ve been in the singles club for any length of time, when one of your long-time club members suddenly finds love, you experience that twinge of jealousy and pang of self-doubt. Yes, part of you is very happy for them because it gives you hope that it’s never too late to find one of the “good ones” out there. But, it’s also is like a sucker punch to the gut. It’s like everyone else got picked for the kickball team and you’re that last one that no one wants. You may not let on that these feelings creep in, but they do.  Outwardly you might be all smiles and congratulations, but inside, a part of you hurts.  You know you can’t stay in that hurting place. You must push past it to get back to your zen-single-mindset.  But it’s not easy out here.

The more I look around, I realize that I have a lot of phenomenal women friends who are still single. That makes me wonder if there is not something awfully lopsided about the prospects of finding a good man these days. I digress.

As I was saying, self-doubt often creeps in. But, I always try to put things into perspective. Having been previously married taught me a lot about what I did and did not want;  what I would accept and what I would not. It helped me to figure out who I am and what I stand for. After my divorce, I went deep. I analyzed and re-analyzed everything. I read books upon books. I talked to counselors and mentors. I prayed a LOT. I wanted to LEARN what I did wrong, what he did wrong, what could’ve been done differently, what to watch out for, etc. I came to a place where I felt pretty self-assured that I knew what to look for and what I wanted in a future mate, and I was sure I’d find it.

But, answer me this:  What happens to you after you’ve been for married several years and suddenly find yourself single and having to re-enter the dating scene? I’ll tell you. It is completely foreign. You don’t know how the ‘game’ works anymore because you have been out of it for so long. You are “green” again.  Only I did not realize I was “green”.  I was overly confident and under-prepared and… I fell for the okey-doke (old school talk for basically getting played). After a devastating reality check, I was able to find my footing. The journey I would then go on took me through varied experiences with uniquely different men. And each of them taught me lessons. Some were good, some were bad and some were beautiful. I learned lessons about myself as well and I want to share some of those lessons with you here. Nothing here is a great revelation in the sense that I’m sure you’ve heard these things before. But, some things were surprising to me and helped me to grow. I’ll start with “The Bad” to get that out of the way first, and then go to “The Good” and “The Beautiful”. I will also preface this by saying that although I am talking from my personal perspective about men I have encountered, I know that what I am about to describe does not only apply to men.    Ok, here we go….

The Bad

I have learned that some men are completely “effed up” (pardon my language but it’s true). There are those who have severe mental and emotional problems, who will unleash their toxicity on you and have you feeling like you’re the crazy one. I was in a long-term relationship with a narcissistic and mentally unhealthy person. It was hell on earth. The messed up part is that, back then, I was so insecure that I put up with the mental and emotional abuse for a long time. God literally had to break me free from that toxic situation. But, I learned something important.  I learned is to have compassion for those who are in abusive relationships, because often when you are in the thick of it, you ‘cannot see the forest for the trees’. You cannot see the big picture, only what is immediately in front of you. And you are so wrapped up in the crazy (situation), that the crazy becomes your normal. It wasn’t until this relationship ended that I was able to see the severity of the situation I was in. But, after I got out of it and eventually healed… baby, let me tell you… a strong, fierce woman was birthed from that process! (I’ll write more about that in another post).

Next, of course I encountered the “player” or “playboy” type of guy. He’s always got swag. Always. That’s part of what makes him so appealing. He possesses a kind of cocky confidence that makes you swoon just a little bit (or a lot). He is sexy, suave, smooth, practiced and predictable. However, some are so practiced and so polished in their ‘playboy-ness’, that they have more than a few tricks up their sleeve depending upon the type of woman they are trying to seduce at the moment. Usually, we can all spot a player. The problem arises when we start to fall for their ploys or attempts juuuuuust enough to put a little crack in our armor. Once that armor is cracked, you best believe that this guy is going in for the kill. All he needed was an opening, a weak spot. If you think you are immune to all players…think again. I have learned not to overestimate my strength. Sometimes it’s best to just RUN. Don’t even flirt with fire. You may get burned.

I have learned that some men are confused, fickle, wishy-washy, etc. This type of man doesn’t quite know what he wants. He could fall into the player category. But, he could also genuinely be an emotional wreck and not know definitively what he wants because he hasn’t taken the time to pursue any answers. Nor has he taken the time to heal before involving a woman in his world of confusion. I have learned to see the signs of this personality and to extricate myself fairly quickly from such situations.

Here is something I have learned about myself that I don’t think is good, so I am putting it in the bad category. I learned that I have tended toward men (some good, some not) who are largely “unavailable” for some reason or another. Maybe they are healing from someone previous.  Maybe they are at a point in their lives where their career is most important.  Maybe they just don’t have the time nor the interest in pursuing a relationship. The result is as you suppose. It never works out. My next job is digging deeper into this revelation and figuring out some answers for myself, and then going in a better direction for future pursuits.

The Good and The Beautiful

I have learned that there are indeed good men out there. Men who are kind, thoughtful and caring. Even though things did not end up working out between me and these individuals, I still have respect for them and have gained some valuable heart-healing insights.

1.) Good men still exist. Just realizing from my personal experiences that there are still good (and godly) men out there has restored my faith in men in general (because at times, due to repeated bad experiences, my faith had begun to diminish). Having encountered and pursued something with these good men has given me much needed hope that at the right time, I will find and form a lasting relationship with such a man.

2.) There are men out there who will appreciate you for who you are, just as you are.  They will like all of the parts of you that you feel insecure about. They will appreciate your personality, your intelligence, your quirks, and your body. Having previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I encountered the opposite for so many years. I was talked down to;  told I needed to be more like someone or something else. There were times I even was made to feel guilty for being intelligent. So, having encountered men who have truly appreciated me as I am, without trying to change me, and who  VALUED and CELEBRATED me, has given me courage to know that I can continue to be ME unapologetically.  The right person will like all of me.

3.) I have learned that there are men who are honorable. As previously mentioned, I have children. Daughters and sons.  As a rule, I have not brought guys home to meet my kids one-on-one because (a) it rarely got to a point where it was serious enough for that to happen (I know everyone is different about this, but, this was how I chose to handle.)  (b) I had always heard stories of guys who were so pervy (i.e. perverted) that they would try to make moves on your kids, which is disgusting, and I always feared that. BUT there were a couple of situations where I allowed exposure to my kids.  I was not disappointed.  These men were respectful and honorable and this encouraged me so much.

4.) I have learned that true gentlemen still exist. While it’s true that having good manners does not always a gentleman make, there ARE guys who are gentlemen inside and out. They will hold the door for you, ask your preferences, hold your hand as you walk up the stairs, pull out your chair, will pay for dinner without expecting sex. Lol. So rare.  They will intently listen to and value your company and your conversation. They are never forward and never presume.  Now, I know that some women don’t prefer this in general, but I do. And it gives me continued hope as I go along my journey.

There are other things I could list, but, I’ll stop here. I hope you have enjoyed reading this and I hope it gives you pause to think about your own situation, outlook, and experiences. I hope that you reflect not so much on the negative, but instead, on what good you have learned from bad situations and what beautiful things you have experienced so far in your journey. Single sisters (and brothers), it is not necessary to compromise your core values. I know at times it is definitely tempting to do so.  And there are times, in our journey we may stumble or get stuck or fall down. But, let this be a reminder that you can get back up again, better, bolder, stronger, wiser than before. As we learn, we grow. Growth is not always a pleasant process, but necessary nonetheless. Keep growing and learning and hoping. I stand with you. Much love, much peace.